To Live, To Die, To Forgive Is Divine
by Nanaki Lioness
Summary: ['Rain', 'Virtue', 'In The End', 'Tears and Angels', 'Epilogue', 'Dearly Beloved'] Innocents pay high prices for the mistakes of others, as one of the destined realises. Depressing, angst.
1. Rain

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended. __

**Warning**: This is very very depressing, and has references to somewhat adult situations, although none actually happen. Caution when reading, please. The R rating might be a little harsh, but I wasn't sure, and didn't want to get anybody riled... ^^ Set about a year after the end of 02.  
I own the poem scattered throughout the fic too. That's what happens when I listen to Papa Roach ^^;;; Please don't take it ^^  
  
**Rain**  
by Nanaki Lioness  
  


Rain. Soft, fine droplets clinging to everything it could, leaving no area in it's path uncovered as it's misty touch swallowed the atmosphere whole. It wasn't particulary heavy rain; just light enough to set a gentle mist across a person's hair, or to attach itself to clothing in small clear dots that were quickly absorbed by the fabric it landed on. 

_I hate rain. Especially this spray stuff..._

The person who found themselves unlucky enough to be caught out in the shower sighed, not really caring that they were being covered from head to toe in moisture. They were seated at a wooden table in Odiaba park, arms crossed and lying across the wooden slats that formed the table. Eyes downcast, they looked up into the smoky clouds, earning an eyeful of rain droplets for their trouble. 

__

deplete my will power  
choke my air supply  
cut my wrists  
i no longer care  


The person, a male, quickly cast their gaze downward, rubbing the moisture from his chocolate colored eyes wearily. It seemed his body hadn't registered it was raining yet, even though every time he breathed he felt like he was underwater, and every time ran a hand through his hair, he slicked the spray that had gently touched the surface further into the chestnut locks. The misty spray had soaked him within seconds of being outside, seeping into his pores like no other type of rainfall could, and yet still leaving a fine residue on the surface of his skin and his clothes. 

_I suppose the rain matches my mood, really. Dark, dull and depressing._

He was interrupted by a sudden ring tone from his cell phone, ringing incessantly for a few moments as he pulled it from his pocket and stared blankly, almost dazedly, at it. It still rang and pressed the answer button, bringing the small silver Nokia to his ear without saying a word. He knew somewhere in the back of his mind that, if the phone stayed out in the rain too long, it would stop working But he didn't care. 

Silence for a moment, then the caller spoke for him. "Tai?" 

"Hey TK," he said, somewhat surprised. "Tai, are you okay?" TK asked instantly. There was something wrong with Tai's voice; something _missing_... 

"I'm fine." 

"Tai-" 

"I'm _fine_. What did you want?" 

Tai heard the young boy sigh, tinny through the small speaker of the phone. "I was wondering if you and Matt had made up yet? I don't know what your fight was about this time, but...Tai?" 

Tai pulled the phone from his ear again, staring at it as though it was TK himself. 

"Tai?" He heard his friend's voice, faintly calling to him. He put the phone back to his ear. "Tai, are you there?" 

"...yeah?" 

"You sound...I dunno, you don't sound _right_. Do you want me to come round?" 

"I'm not home." 

"Where are you?" 

"Doesn't matter. Leave me alone." 

"Tai? Tai, where are you?" 

Tai didn't say anything for a moment, leaning forward across the wooden table again, not noticing how wet the slats had become from the gentle rain. He dropped the phone onto the table, placing his head in his arms, no longer caring about the weather or the conversation. 

"Tai?!" 

He could hear TK's frantic shouts to him, soft and faintly metallic, from the phone. Without thinking, he picked it up and disconnected his friend, pocketing it again after locking the keys. 

_Don't want to speak to anybody._

__

slice my determination  
break my spirit  
splinter my faith  
i won't care  


He listened to the sound of his own breathing for a while, vaguely surprised he couldn't hear the rain. 

_But it's that stupid misty stuff...you can't hear it, it just attacks you without you even knowing it's there..._

He sighed, not noticing just how wet he was until he breathed in some of the moisture droplets in the air and began to cough. He knew he'd make himself sick if he stayed out any longer, but he was in no mental state to care. 

His cell phone rang again, and he ignored it. Yet it carried on ringing relentlessly, and he pulled it from his saturated pocket. 

_Should have turned it off._

He answered the call, still not saying a word. 

"Tai...TK just called..." 

_Matt._

"I don't want to see anybody. Just leave me alo-" Tai broke of into a coughing fit, cursing himself mentally as he heard his friend's concerned voice through the speakers again. 

"Tai, you sound sick. Where are you? You're not outside, are you?" 

"So what if I am?" Tai answered when he had recovered. 

"Tai, it's _raining_." 

"Is it? Doesn't feel like rain to me...feels more like..._mist_..." 

"_Tai_!" 

"Why do you care anyway?" 

Tai could almost see his friend's taken aback expression. "What is that meant to mean, Tai?! I know we're not on the best of terms right now, but that doesn't mean I'm not your friend! Tai-" 

Tai disconnected the call and turned the device off, putting it away and glancing up at the skies again. He made sure to squint his eyes shut slightly to lessen the amount of drops that went into his eyes. 

_I don't care if I have to stay out here all night. I don't want to go home. I _won't_ go home._

He had no idea how long he stayed like that, soaked through and thoroughly miserable. But he was soon faintly aware of footsteps coming up the path beside him, and someone calling his name. He glanced up as the person reached his side, and sighed in defeat. He had been found. 

__

end my suffering  
dull my pain  
open my dead wounds  
i don't care  


"Tai, what do you think you're _doing_?!" Matt exclaimed, sinking down a little so he could see Tai's eyes, seeing as he had glanced up and averted them when he saw Matt. He made sure not to touch the ground with anything other than his shoes, suspending himself somewhat halfway between sitting and standing. "It's cold and wet out here, and you'll get sick!" 

__

my will power is gone  
depleted  


"Already am," Tai said, coughing as he spoke. Matt narrowed his eyes, suspicious. 

_What's that meant to mean?!_

__

my air supply is choked  
aphexiated  


"Come on. I won't leave you out here. Let's go somewhere warm and dry. I want to know what made you sit out in the rain, but I want to get inside before doing so." Matt grabbed his friend's arm and tried to pull him to his feet. Tai resisted, and Matt eventually stopped trying as his friend glared up at him, eyes narrowed dangerously. He was shivering a little, and Matt removed his jacket instantly, placing it over his friend, not caring that he was getting wet instead. Tai was already saturated, but Matt hoped the jacket might give him a little warmth. 

__

my wrists are sliced  
bleeding  


Tai muttered something too softly to hear, trying to shrug the jacket off. Matt held Tai's shoulders firmly to keep the jacket on them and around his friend. 

_ my determination is non-existant  
vanished  
_

"Tai, what _happened_...?" Matt asked. Seeing Tai like his worried him greatly. His friend was never so depressed. He was the cheerful, optimistic one; nothing could bring him down and _keep_ him there. 

__

my spirit is broken  
shards  


"Doesn't matter. Just leave me _alone_." Tai stood up abuptly, shrugging his friend's hands from his shoulders, intent on walking away. 

__

my faith is shattered  
pieces  


Yet he couldn't. Matt had grabbed his arm and wasn't letting go, no matter how much Tai struggled to pull away. 

"You're not going anywhere," Matt said sharply. "Let's go to the closest coffee shop so we can warm up and dry off. You're going to tell me what's wrong, Tai, so I can help you." 

"I don't _want_ your help!" Tai yelled, turning sharply to his friend, his soaked locks whipping into his eyes, stinging harshly yet he didn't notice. "I never asked for you to come here! I didn't want to be found! I didn't _ask_ to be found!" 

"You think I could just leave you though?" Matt protested, his voice level. 

"You hate me right now." 

"I _don't_ hate you! Besides, I couldn't leave you to freeze to death out here!" 

"Wouldn't care if I did..." 

__

i suffer  
i hurt  
i bleed  
i hate  


Matt reeled at that comment, but then he firmly pushed his friend in the direction of the park exit. Comments like that were completly out of place from the bearer of courage, and he wanted to find out where they were coming from. 

__

i no longer care  


Tai resisted, turning and trying to push his friend away. Matt stopped and looked at him, features contorted in confusion. 

"What is _wrong_ with you?! Do I have to knock some sense into you?!" 

Tai didn't reply, simply staring up at the cloud cover, angering Matt further. 

"Tai, don't ignore me!" 

"Shut up! Just shut _up_ and leave me alone!" 

Tai turned and curled his hand into a fist, lunging at Matt and making sure his fist connected with the blonde's cheekbone. Hard. 

__

kill my pain  
kill my spirit  
kill me  
kill  


Matt stumbled back, hand to his cheek, a little shocked at Tai's reaction. But it only took a few seconds to recover, and he lunged forward, knocking Tai to the floor with the force of his revenge punch. 

"Are you going to listen to me _now_?!" Matt yelled, his fist still curled into a ball, fuming visably. 

Tai didn't reply, his body not taking in the moisture that was seeping through his clothes from the wet pavement he had landed on. He no longer cared, and he made no effort to get up from the floor. 

__

kill life  
kill man  
kill all  
kill  


Calming down a little, Matt strode forward and offered his hand down to his friend. Tai didn't even look up at it, staring up at the sky, his eyes wide open. Matt blinked, seeing his friend as not even living for a moment, before panicking a little and bending down to drag him up from the ground. 

Tai didn't resist, letting himself be pulled to his feet. Matt smiled at him compassionately once he was standing. 

"We need to get you warm..." 

"No. Leave me out here." 

"Tai, I won't do that to you-" 

"You won't want anything to do with me...just _go_, Matt." 

__

worthless  
wounded  


Matt didn't reply. They were both drenched through, the misty rainfall coming thicker and faster now. Tai coughed again and Matt firmly decided he needed to take control of the situation. He took his friend's arm and tried to lead him away from the park, more forcefully this time. Tai pulled his from grasp, his fingers finding their way to his face where a bruise was forming a little at Matt's punch. 

"Shouldn't have done that..." he muttered, turning away. Matt forcefully turned him back. 

"What's going on, Tai? I'm fed up with all these games! Just tell me what's going on, and tell me now, before I _really_ lose my temper!" 

"You don't care!" Tai yelled, his eyes narrowed and blazing with anger. "No-one does! At least, if they do know, they won't anymore...I don't want to lose any friendships, so if you don't know, you can't judge!" 

"I would never judge you Tai, you're my friend-" 

"Just stop pretending to care! You don't, so don't act like you do!" Tai screeched, tears cascading down his cheeks without him even realising. "You want to know what's wrong?! Huh?! You _really_ want to know?!" 

Matt was unfazed. He simply reached out to his friend, wiping a tear away with his thumb and smiling a little. "If it's making you cry, then I want to know. If it made you sit out in the rain and get yourself sick, I want to know. And simply because it's _hurting_ you, I want to know." 

__

weak  
hurt  


Tai didn't calm down at all, he only recoiled at Matt's touch. "I'm _dying_ Matt!" He sunk down to the floor, not caring about the wetness beneath him. "I'm dying..." He placed his head into his hands, sobbing harshly as he admitted to his friend what he hadn't admitted to himself. 

__

i don't care  
i won't care  


Matt knelt down beside him, eyes wide. He certainly hadn't been expecting that. 

"Tai..." he said gently. "Tai, I don't know what to say..." 

"Don't say anything. Just leave me out here to die. At least I won't be in any pain." _At least I won't have to live._

__

death, so inviting  
pain, so invigorating  


Matt halfway considered punching Tai again. He was never like this, ever. The blonde doubted the boy could even grasp the concept of suicide or death, let alone contemplate either. But he didn't hit his friend; he kept his temper in check. He was still a little shocked, but Tai seemed worse off than he, and Matt had to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. 

"What's actually wrong?" He questioned. "What was the diagnosis?" 

"HIV positive..." 

"Oh _god_...Tai, I'm so _so_ sorry...I know that doesn't make it better-" 

"Don't be," Tai said, running a hand across his eyes to dry them. "T'isn't your fault." 

__

life, so meaningless  
mankind, so useless  


"I know, but...I feel like I should have helped you...! How did you contract it, Tai? It's not as though you can just pick it up like you do a cold..." 

"Needle...infected needle at a beach in the summer...I got sick a couple weeks ago - _really_ sick - and I had a blood test taken...got the results back earlier today. I guess I freaked...and I ran..." 

"So your parents don't know where you are?" 

"No..." 

"You should call them and let them know you're all right." 

"They kept calling my cell phone...I kept cutting them off, so they stopped trying...I suppose they guessed I didn't want to see anyone..." 

Matt shook his head, sighing. "We should get you somewhere warm. You can't afford to get sick, Tai...I don't know much about HIV though. I know it can develop into AIDS...but I don't know anything else about it. What are the symptoms?" _And why was I stupid enough to not notice them? I know we weren't talking, but that's no excuse..._

"I've been losing weight...I have been, since that fever a couple weeks ago...that's two symptoms of HIV. HIV destroys the immune system..." 

"Then if you get sick now, it won't do you any good...come on." Matt forcefully pulled Tai to his feet, and Tai didn't protest, letting himself be walked from the park. Matt made sure to keep a compassionate arm round his friend's shoulders, making it perfectly clear that, no matter what, he still wanted to be his friend. He could almost see Tai's inner turmoil, and his earlier confession about not wanting to tell people in case they hated him. 

__

no more pain  
no more hurt  
no more  
no  


The rain was still as relentless as ever, and Matt turned to Tai, concerned, as his friend began to cough again. He pushed him across the road to a local coffee shop, entering and sitting Tai down at a table for two near a radiator. Taking a seat himself, he leant across the table to Tai, who was averting his eyes. 

"You're probably going to get sicker in the morning. You're going to the doctor first thing. But right now you're going to phone home." 

"Can I take your order?" 

They glanced up at a waitress who had appeared at their side. 

"Two hot chocolates please," Matt said. The waitress nodded and waltzed away, Matt scowling at her back, cursing her for being so happy when his friend was in such turmoil. 

_That kind of attitude isn't going to help Tai. Snap out of it. _

But I don't want him to die... 

Stop it! That won't help anybody! Idiot. 

"Tai..." Tai looked up him again. "When...when do you think it'll take affect? I mean, really hard...?" 

Tai shrugged. "My parents didn't have a chance to give me very many details. I know you can live a perfectly normal life with HIV, so long as you don't get too sick..." 

"Which you won't," Matt said firmly. 

They stared out the window next to them in silence, watching the rain tap gently on the glass, a melodious rhyme that couldn't be placed into rhythm. The misty spray was still present, but the raindrops were falling faster and harder now. Both of them were still drenched, and for once neither of them had commented on how their hair looked. They had more important things to worry about. 

__

is it worthless?  
is it useless?  
is it?  


Their hot chocolates were bought to them and they thanked the waitress, again being reminded of how happy people around them were. Both of them shrugged it off though; they knew pity would get them no-where. 

"So what are you going to do?" Matt eventually asked after a few more minutes of silence. 

Tai shrugged. "What can I do? Nothing." He sighed, slamming his mug down. "_Stupid_ needle. Knew I should have got checked out when it pricked me, but no, I had to brush it off and make like I'm infallable..." 

"Tai, you weren't to know. Don't go blaming yourself." 

"Matt...you _know_ HIV and AIDS is associated with, don't you? People are going to start saying things..." 

"What, that you're gay, and you picked it up from unsafe sex with a guy?" Matt said with a shrug. Tai glanced at him, a little shocked his friend was being so blunt. "What? You told me to be blunt, so I was. Tai, it's nobody's business, right? As long as you know it's not true, it doesn't matter what they think." 

"I know it _shouldn't_...but it _does_..." 

"But as long as the people who love you still care, do you really mind what others say?" Matt reached out, his hand lightly resting upon his friend's. "I'll always be here at least. I don't think any differently of you. It really _hurts_ to know what's happening to you, and I wish I could stop it...I wish I could take your pain and your hurt and make it better." He sighed, looking at the table. "But I can't. I can't do anything other than be there for you. I hope that's enough..." 

__

maybe  
maybe it's not  
maybe i can make it  
maybe, maybe...  


"Matt...thank you..." 

Matt grinned, tapping his friend's hand lightly before withdrawing his own. "Sure, any time." He picked up his hot chocolate, sipping it gently. "Are you going to call your parents?" 

"Yeah. They're probably worried enough as it is." 

Tai pulled the cell phone from his pocket, dialing his home number, a slight smile on his face. 

__

my will power is back  
my air supply plentiful  
my wrists healed  


_It might take some time, but I can live with this. I know I can..._

__

my determination is strong  
my spirit whole  
my faith complete  


"Hi Mom...it's Tai. Yeah, I'm okay..." 

__

I care  


"Don't worry Mom, I'm with Matt. He'll make sure I get home safe. But could you book an appointment for me at the doctors tomorrow? I'm a little sick, and I don't want it to get worse. Huh? Yeah, I'm fine now...I can live with this, can't I Mom? Yeah. I'll be home soon, don't worry. Bye." 

He placed the Nokia back in his pocket, picking up his hot chocolate, brown eyes connecting with blue across the table. 

__

I care  


_Take each day as it comes. I can get through this. I know I can._

"You'll be fine, Tai," Matt said, as if reading his thoughts. "You've got help, and you've got people who care." 

"I know. Thank you." 

Matt shrugged, eyes gazing to the window. The rainfall had begun to ease up, light beginning to flit through the smoky gray clouds, reflecting off the puddles on the pavement. 

It was going to be a beautiful afternoon. 

_~fin~ _

Author's Notes: Oh man, where the hell did this dig itself up from? I had an image of someone sitting in the rain and this fic formed itself. And there aren't very many Tai fics around, really, and if there are, can someone point me in the right direction?! ^_^ ?It's not Taito btw, anybody who wants to flame me thinking so. It's simply friendship. 

I'm aware this is left in a place that could have a sequel; I don't know if I will yet. Maybe ^_^ 

Feedback to [Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com][1], or reviews below at ff.net, would be greatly appreciated! Again, I own the poem scattered throughout; treat it as a seperate story and don't take, thanks much. 

   [1]: mailto:nanaki_lioness@hotmail.com



	2. Virtue

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

_Warning: This is very angsty and very depressing. Beware. Also, there are some rather nasty comments made by someone at one point; I don't agree with any of them, they are only there for the nature of the incident; please understand that and don't flame me for it ^_^_

_ _

_The lyrics somewhere in the fic belong to Muse, and the song is named Muscle Museum. They're an awesome British band (I live in England, see) that I highly recommend to anyone._

Virtue

By Nanaki Lioness

"No no! Stop that! Don't you _dare_ boil over!!"

Mr. Ishida rushed across the kitchen to the stove, where he was cooking rice. It was starting to boil over, spilling the frothy water onto the stove, hissing as it touched the flame under the saucepan very gently.

He had been trying to decide what meat to use in the meal, and had completely forgotten he had turned the flame up full to cook the rice quicker. He had also forgotten that yelling at the rice wouldn't stop it from boiling over, as well as other ingredients to the meal when they didn't 'co-operate' with him.

_I wonder where Matt is? He's so much better at this stuff than me!_

He turned the rice down to the low light, knowing he would have to drain some water from it. Leaving it for a moment, he mentally decided on chicken for the meat. Grinning, he pulled a tin from the cupboard. Sauce and chicken in one; five minutes heating time and it was ready. Matt would tell him it wasn't the way to do things - he loved the make elaborate meals - but Mr. Ishida figured he'd already had too many accidents in the kitchen that evening to care.

First it was deciding the meal. He remembered Matt telling him how to cook rice, so he had taken the rice from the cupboard. Matt had told him 'two small cupfuls is enough for two'.

Mr. Ishida had taken a coffee mug and filled it twice to the brim, and put that it. But as it began to cook, even _he_ realised it was too much. He figured they could just use it for rice pudding or something, and continued to cook it

Then it was the water. He had filled the medium sized saucepan to the brim, and was currently trying to tip some away without tipping the contents down the sink too. He managed to only lose a small amount, and he put the saucepan back on the low light.

As he was searching for the tin opener to open the chicken and sauce with, he heard a key turn in the front door.

_He took his time!_

"About time!" He said, turning to greet Matt as he entered. "I'm actually trying to make dinner…"

He tailed off. Immediately he could see something was wrong.

Matt seemed…dazed, almost. He was without his coat, and still damp from the day's earlier rainfall.

"Where's your coat? I know you left with it; it was raining when you left! Which, I might add, was quite a few hours ago. What happened?"

Matt didn't reply, sinking down into a chair at the dinner table.

"Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes…I think…" Mr. Ishida corrected himself as he turned the rice back onto a reasonable light, realising it would never cook when it was practically off. He emptied the chicken and sauce into a saucepan and lit the stove to warm it up. He began to mix the contents around with a spatula, keeping his eyes half on what he was doing and half on Matt, who was still seemingly out of it.

Noticing the sauce was thick, and didn't spread well over the chicken, he mentally recalled something Matt said about adding milk to thin it out.

So he pulled the milk from the fridge and emptied about half a cup in before realising it was _way _too much. Panicking, he drained some of it before he mixed it in, glancing at Matt for help.

Matt wasn't even looking his way; he was staring at the table.

"Matt…a little help here…?"

Matt didn't reply. Mr. Ishida frowned, turning both saucepans off, determined to find out what was wrong with his son.

"Matt, is something wrong?"

Matt looked up at him that time, and his dad could see he was listless and dull; he was either sick or depressed. Half of him didn't want to find out which it was, fearing it would be depression. Sure, sickness was bad, but he could deal with that; or rather, the doctor could. Depression was a different story.

"I don't want dinner," he said after a moment. "Leave mine in the microwave please."

Mr. Ishida sat down opposite his son, knowing better than to give his usual 'you're too thin as it is, don't you dare skip meals' lecture when Matt didn't want to eat. He knew something was troubling him, and as his father, he wanted to find out what and make it better.

"Matt, did something happen?"

No reply.

"Matt?"

Matt looked up at him and, after a moment, burst into tears. Mr. Ishida stared at him in shock, not knowing what to do or say. _That_ was unexpected.

He listened carefully as Matt said something softly, as though to himself.

"What was that, son?"

"Tai…"

Mr. Ishida's blood ran cold. Something had happened to Tai, he knew it. And knowing how close they were…

_Oh god…oh god…poor kid…if something's happened to him, it'll be no wonder as to why Matt's devastated…_

"What happened?"

"Tai's dying."

Mr. Ishida almost fell off the chair.

"What did you say?!" He asked even though he heard it clear as crystal. "Tai's…dying?"

Matt began to sob into his hands. "H-He's HIV positive…he's going to die…oh _god_, he's going to _die_…"

Mr. Ishida reached out to him, tenderly touching him on the arm, pulling it down from his face until it was resting on the table. Then he placed a hand over his son's.

"Matt…remember, many people can live perfectly happy, healthy lives with HIV…it's not certain he's going to die from it…" _What do I tell him…? What can I say to that?! My son's sobbing his heart out and I can't think of anything decent to say that'll make him stop! _"Come on Matt, don't cry…" he soothed gently, though in vain. "Tai wouldn't want you to be upset…" _This is hopeless…but I have to try… _"…be strong! If not for you, but for him!"

"I-it's hard! I can't be strong, Dad, I'm too _weak_!" Matt looked up at his father, a pained look prominent in his eyes. Mr. Ishida's heart almost split in two…life was so unfair, and Fate always dragged his family into it.

_Tai's so young and so innocent…it always happens to the best…_

_…I shouldn't be thinking of how it's affecting my son…well, I should, but the Kamiya's need a thought sparing for them…_

He looked at Matt again and sighed.

_Matt's my priority right now though…_

"I know it hurts…" Mr. Ishida began sympathetically. "And I know it'll be hard, but you can do it, Matt! You're strong-"

"No!" Matt stood up, fire burning in his eyes. "You don't understand!! You didn't see him, Dad! He really believed he was worthless because of it! He thought I'd hate him! He still thinks everyone else is _going_ to hate him! You have _no_ idea how _much_ it hurts to be told by my best friend that he's going to die!!"

With that, he stormed off to his room, slamming the door shut so hard the pictures on the wall rattled. Mr. Ishida sighed, shaking his head.

_There's nothing I can do…sorry Matt…there's nothing I can do…I can't take away your pain no matter how much I want to. I can't heal Tai, and I can't heal you. I'm sorry._

-------------------

_I couldn't imagine it…all that'll be left is memories, and that's…it's not enough. I don't want to forget the little things, like the way he bugs me sometimes. Or how fast he can eat popcorn when we see a movie; stupid, insignificant stuff. And the big stuff too, like the sound of his voice, of his laugh, and the sight of his smile…_

Matt took a deep breath, trying to calm himself from the state he was currently in, which consisted of him sobbing into his pillow relentlessly with terrible images dancing through his mind

_He's not even…well, he's still alive! _He told himself firmly. _So quit moaning and enjoy the time, you fool!_

He got off the bed and slowly made his way over to the door, set on going out and apologizing to his father for his behavior. He knew he'd understand, but that wasn't the point.

He paused at the door as he heard his father on the telephone, stopping to listen to what he was saying, hoping he could identify the other person in the conversation.

"Yes...yes, I understand...I'll talk to Matt. Okay...bye..."

Matt exited his room as his father replaced the receiver, standing against the door frame, knowing his father had heard him. Yet he didn't turn, and didn't acknowledge him.

"Dad..." Matt began after a moment or two. "I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get mad, it's just-"

"I understand." Mr. Ishida turned and smiled at his first-born. "You're just worried. It's okay." He sighed, averting his gaze. "That was Mr. Kamiya, Tai's father...I called him, to see if there was anything we could do....even though I know we _can't_ do anything. We all know what's going to happen...even Tai's accepted it..."

Matt bit back tears, not letting his emotions get the better of him. _Then why can't *I* accept it?_

"And we all know this won't be easy...so all you can do is be there for him when he needs it, and to enjoy the time...well, enjoy what you have."

Matt nodded mutely, unable to speak past the taste of his heart suddenly leaping to his throat.

_I *won't* cry. Tai doesn't need tears right now, he needs support. And that's what he's going to get._

"It's such a shame…" Mr. Ishida said, shaking his head softly. "I know how close you two are…"

"Dad..." Matt interrupted. "You said Tai could live a normal life with HIV...so why are you talking like he's going to die tomorrow?"

Matt couldn't believe he had just said that. Those words _couldn't_ have come from his mouth. Calm, smooth and collected; no trace of emotion even though, within, he was in turmoil. And he had ultimately accepted his friend's fate in saying that sentence. That he was going to die.

Mr. Ishida didn't answer. He smiled and shook his head sadly, knowing he was saying the wrong things, but not knowing how to correct it.

Father and son looked away from one another, until Matt retreated back to his room with a heavy sigh. It was going to be hard, that was for sure.

-------------------

_Can you_

_See that I have needed_

_Begging for so much more_

_Than you could ever give_

_But I don't_

_Want you to adore me_

_Don't want you to ignore me_

_When it pleases you_

_Yeah_

_And I'll do it on my own_

-------------------

Monday morning in school was hellish. Tai looked around him as people whispered and stopped their conversations as he walked by. He tried to ignore it but he knew it would be too much for him by the time the day was out if it carried on.

"Hey! Tai!"

He turned to see Matt running towards him and he smiled to himself, grateful. Matt was trying his hardest to be the best friend he could be, despite the stares he was getting from people. News had traveled fast about Tai's illness…he made no effort to keep it secret, knowing that would cause him more ridicule in the long run.

"Hey Matt," he said dejectedly. Matt smiled, no trace of the sadness and tears he had been buried in over the weekend on his features.

Be strong.

_ _

"How's it going?"

Tai sighed, shrugging. "Not so great. Everyone seems to back away, like it's contagious or something…"

"Hey!"

They both turned as someone shouted their attention; just a nameless, faceless no-one neither of them knew, which seemed a plus as his face was twisted into a rather evil sneer.

"You got it too, Ishida?" He said. "That gay disease?"

Matt almost lost his temper at that remark, but kept it in check only for Tai's sake. His friend's face had whitened, and he was staring at the guy in shock.

"Come on Tai, ignore the loser," Matt muttered, turning to walk away, pulling Tai with him. "He's not worth it."

"Hey! Listen to me!" The guy sprinted towards them and, within seconds, had slammed Tai into the lockers behind him. "I heard you got that HIV thing. Whatcha been doing that your mother don't know about, huh? Sleeping with Ishida, are ya? Wouldn't surprise me, both of ya are fruiter than cherry pie anyways…"

Tai stared at him, the words that he wanted to say caught in his throat. He had expected some people to react badly, but not like this! He tried to speak, just to defend himself and Matt, but couldn't as the guy had this arm pushed tightly against his throat, keeping him in place up against the locker.

Matt growled and grabbed the guy from behind, wrenching him off of Tai and onto the floor, kicking him in the stomach as he fell to the ground.

"Say that again," he threatened. "And I'll knock you senseless. Got that? _No-one_ says that to my friend and gets away with it, and ­_no-one_ hits my friends without punishment either!"

"Mr. Ishida!"

Matt groaned and let the guy up at the call of a passing teacher, who made their way over to the scene of the fight. Many of the students had crowded round, eager to see fists fly, but were ushered away by teacher.

"Mr. Ishida, perhaps you should explain," the teacher prompted.

"I won't," Matt said simply. He walked over to Tai, who was rubbing his throat. "You okay?" He asked gently.

Tai nodded. "Don't cause more trouble defending me," he whispered.

"Mr. Ishida, I wouldn't be defiant if I were you," the teacher said angrily. "Do you want a trip to the Principal's Office?"

"Maybe you should ask _him_-" Matt pointed to the guy he had been about to beat "-what he said before accusing me."

With that, he walked away. Tai stared after him before following, both of them ignoring the teacher's shouts for them to come back.

"Matt…" Tai said softly as they were out of earshot. "You just landed yourself a week of detention when the Principal finds out. You shouldn't have bothered. I'm obviously not worth it…"

Matt looked round at him, his expression unreadable.

"I couldn't let him say those things," he said after a moment. "I said I'd be there for you, and I am."

"Matt-"

"Don't Tai," Matt said sharply, looking at the floor in front of him as he walked, instead of his friend's eyes. "I have to do this…"

"But-"

"No buts, please. Just let me do what I have to do."

Tai didn't say anything else, and they lapsed into silence. The bell was due to ring soon, and they headed to their homeroom anyway. It never hurt to be a little early every now and then.

_I just wish this had never happened,_ Tai thought sadly. _I wish we'd never been at that beach, or that the needle never pricked me, or that the person using it didn't leave it there…or didn't and leave it if they knew they had HIV! Or even use it! …I wish a lot of things. How dumb. You know you're gonna die. Sure, you can live for ages and not have it develop into AIDS, but it will, eventually…_

_ _

Tai broke his chain of thought for a moment, clutching at the wall as his head began to spin. He slunk down the floor as the dizziness became too much.

"Tai?!"

Matt crouched down next to him, looking at him, concerned. Tai tried to focus on him, but couldn't, feeling dizzy, tired and nauseous. He felt Matt pulling him to his feet, but Tai felt as thought he was a couple of feet in the air, watching the scene from above.

_So lightheaded…_

"Don't feel so good," he murmured softly. "Tired…sleep…"

"Don't go to sleep, Tai. Stay awake!"

Matt sounded panicked. Tai wished there was something he could say to make his friend feel better, but he couldn't. He knew if he opened his mouth, he probably throw up.

"Can you tell me what's wrong, Tai? Are you dizzy?"

Tai nodded, his hands clutching his stomach. Matt looked at him worriedly.

"Do you feel sick?" He asked. Another nod. Matt immediately near-dragged him to the bathroom at that, his anxiety increasing further. Opening the door, he helped to gently lower Tai on the floor, before sitting down in front of him. He placed a hand over his friend's forehead, feeling it hot under his hand.

Tai gestured to his backpack and Matt took it from him, opening it and looking around for what he knew Tai was trying to tell him. He pulled a bottle of pills from the bag.

"Side effects, right?" Matt said simply. Tai nodded. "When did you start these, then?"

"Yesterday…morning…" Tai gasped. "It…hurts…"

"Do you want me to call a teacher?"

Tai shook his head. "It'll…pass…" he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Oh, Tai…" Matt said sadly, shaking his head. "Is this what it's going to be like for you now…?"

"Probably…" Tai said, his voice stronger as the nausea began to pass a little. He whimpered slightly as he shifted positions, to lean up against the wall behind him. Matt looked at him, compassion evident in his eyes.

"I wish there was more I could do…" he said, his voice choking a little. He mentally scolded himself for his momentary weakness.

_The last thing Tai needs is you crying over him. Stop it._

_ _

"Don't try…to be…strong…" Tai said quietly. "I know…you're hurting…" He stared at the floor. "Dad said your dad called...said you were distraught…shouldn't have been…" He grinned weakly. "Not dead yet…"

_Yet, Tai. But you will be, and I can't stop it. I have to watch you suffer, and I have to see you like this, in pain. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it!_

_ _

"I'm sorry…" he said, staring at the tiled floor, ashamed. "It just hurts to know what's happening to you, and it hurts knowing I can't help prevent it." He sighed shakily. "Normally, when you get sick, you get better real quick. But…but I guess that won't happen now…"

"No…" Tai didn't meet his friend's eyes. It hurt like hell, to hear Matt's voice in so much pain. All because he wouldn't get a needle prick checked out.

_You made your bed, Tai, now lie in it. You're the one who caused this, so you have to live with it. Or rather die with it. Oh god…I don't want to die…_

_ _

He began to sob unexpectedly, forgetting for a moment that Matt was even there. But he soon remembered as he felt a compassionate hand on his shoulder.

"Don't cry…" Matt said, a slight smile on his features even though tears shone in his own eyes. Tai thought the statement was vaguely hypocritical, but didn't comment. "Don't make it even harder on yourself…we can get through this, right? You're gonna be around for years yet!"

"But it's like a death sentence, Matt," Tai said, tearing his gaze away. "Like death row…I've been issued a death sentence, and I don't know when I'm going to die until the last minute…there's so much I wanted to do and to see…will I ever get the chance?"

"'Course you will!" Matt said, his old confidence shining through for a moment. "I'll make sure of it!"

_I don't think I'll have the strength to do it myself anyway, Matt…I can feel it, eating away at me, snipping minutes from me. I know it hasn't got to even the beginning of the worst stages yet, but it's downhill from here. It's unlikely to go into remission or anything like that, and I won't hope. Hope is for fools. Hope is for innocents like TK. Hope is something I won't let myself have, because I'll only disappoint myself._

_ _

"I just wish it would go away!" He sobbed, feeling and sounding like a small child to the world. Matt bit his lip, trying not to cry himself, hearing the pain in Tai's voice and seeing it on his cheeks as tears crept down his face.

"I know you do…" he said quietly. "But it can't and won't. Don't delude yourself…"

"I'm not going to," Tai said. "I just…want to go back to how things were…I don't want you to be left with only memories…"

"Memories are strange things Tai…" Matt said almost wistfully. "Memories are so much like the real thing…you see yourself in the past like you're in the present. You see everything happening as though it's right in front of your eyes…even if you're in a place that no longer exists, or with a person who is no longer there, you still see it clear as day. The mind can't change it. My mind won't ever change the memories I have or you, even though the physical things might fade. I might momentarily forget your voice or something, but it'd soon come back to me…sometimes that happens now if we don't see each other for a day or two…" He sighed softly. "What you're saying is you don't want to be forgotten. Trust me Tai, that won't ever happen. You're still here now, right? So don't talk like you're not going to be tomorrow. Take each day as it comes, and don't worry about things like that…"

Tai nodded, wiping tears away with the back of his hand. Matt grinned a little.

"That's better. Now, do you feel up to school, or do you want to go home?"

"I-I think I should go home…I can't deal with anymore fights today…"

Matt stood up. "I thought as much. Come on, let's get you to reception and sign you out." He offered a hand down to his friend, who accepted it and stood. The nausea and dizziness had passed, but he still felt a little tired. Fatigue was catching up on him quicker now.

_It's only been two days since I found out, and everything's changed so much in that short space of time…I wonder how long it'll take my mind to catch up…?_

_ _

He glanced at Matt, who was looking at the floor again as they walked out of the bathroom and down the hall to reception.

_It's hard on him too. And I haven't told the others yet, though they probably know…_

_ _

He vaguely thought of turning his cell phone on for messages, but he knew that would earn him having it confiscated; cell phone usage was prohibited in school.

_ _

"Have you told the others yet?"

Tai blinked. It was as if Matt had read his mind.

"No…" he said softly. "But I expect they know, right?"

"Yeah. I expect they do."

"…do you think they hate me?"

Matt didn't turn to Tai, and he didn't stop walking. "Stop being stupid, of course they don't. "

"You sure?"

Matt smiled. "Sure I'm sure." _And if they're not, I'll knock them senseless for being so narrow minded._

-------------------

"Tai!! Phone!"

Tai awoke with a start, glancing at the clock in disdain. He had fallen asleep as soon as he had been dismissed from school, and had slept soundly the whole day.

_The doctor warned you about fatigue…it might suck, but it's there and you have to deal with it._

_ _

"Coming…" he yelled as loudly as his mind would let him, ignoring the headache had had risen with as he walked out into the hall. His mother held the phone out to him and he took it gingerly.

"Hello?" He said after a moment, expecting it to be Matt.

"Tai…"

Tai jumped. It wasn't Matt.

"Izzy?!"

"Tai…I heard today…I've been hearing rumors about you that I think you should know about-"

"It's not rumors, Izzy, it's true," Tai interrupted. "I'm HIV positive."

There was a silence on the other end of the phone, and Tai held his breath, waiting for his friend's reaction.

"How long have you known?"

No trace of hatred, Tai noticed; just shock.

"Since Saturday."

He heard Izzy sigh. "That's too bad. I'm sorry, Tai."

"Don't be. I've had enough of people pitying me already."

"I was talking to Matt earlier…he told me about the things people were saying….that's such an awful thing to do, and incredibly insensitive."

"I suppose Matt didn't tell you he almost knocked one guy senseless? And he would have done if a teacher hadn't stopped him?"

Izzy laughed a little. "Just like Matt; he has a very protective nature. No, he didn't tell me that." He sighed again. "I can't be too long, Mom's waiting for a call…I just want you to know I'm here if you need me, okay?"

"Yeah, I know…thanks, though. I haven't heard from anyone else other than you. And Matt, but…well, long story, but you could say he knew just after I did."

Izzy knew better than to pry. "Do you want me to tell them?"

"I'm going to e-mail Mimi tonight to tell her, but everyone else probably knows."

"Okay then…speak to you later, okay?"

"Sure. Thanks for calling, Izzy. Bye."

"Bye."

Tai replaced the receiver, smiling slightly.

"Who was that, Tai?" His mom asked.

"Izzy. He wanted to confirm the 'rumors'…and he offered his support."

Mrs. Kamiya smiled slightly. "That's great. You have such good friends, Tai!"

_I hope I do, Mom. They might say they want to help, but when it comes down to it, do they really? Are they just trying to make me feel better?_

_ _

He yawned and headed back to bed, his head and body aching too much for him to think about it too deeply. He lay back down on the bed, and was asleep again in moments.

-------------------

TK looked up from the TV he was watching as he heard a knock at the door. His mother was busy making dinner, so he got up and answered it, wondering whom it would be.

He stared in shock as he opened the door and saw Matt. He normally called before coming over, so it was pretty much unexpected. Matt never did anything unannounced.

"Hey little brother," Matt said, smiling slightly. "We need to talk."

TK stepped aside and let him in. "What did I do now?"

"Nothing, we just need to talk."

"Matt?!"

He turned to his mother and smiled. "Hey Mom. I came over to chat with TK a while, Hope that's okay."

"You should have called, I'd have made you dinner!" Nancy exclaimed. Matt shook his head.

"It's okay, I've eaten already." He turned to his younger brother and gestured to TK's bedroom, where they could talk in peace. TK nodded, leading them to his room.

When they were seated comfortably, Matt sighed and looked TK in the eyes.

"TK…have you heard…?"

TK looked puzzled. "Heard about what, 'niichan?"

"…Tai…?"

TK shook his head. "Is something wrong with him? Kari wasn't at school today…I called her to see what was wrong, but her mom said she was too sick to come to the phone."

"I don't think Kari was sick, TK…something's wrong with Tai…_he's_ sick, and I think it's hit Kari rather hard…"

"Tai?! He never gets sick! Don't worry Matt, he'll be fine in a day or two."

"No, TK…" Matt sighed, shaking his head. _Don't make it hard on yourself, '__toutochan… _"He won't get better…Tai contracted HIV from an infected needle at a beach. He's really sick…"

TK stared at his older brother, eyes wide in disbelief. He looked as though he wanted to say something, but couldn't find it in himself to do so.

"He…he's on medication, but it's only a matter of time…" Matt continued, finding it hard to speak the words. _You can't break down now. TK will need you; you have to be strong for him!_

_ _

"…you mean, he's going to die…?" TK whispered, his eyes rapidly filling with tears.

Matt nodded slowly. "Not yet, but it'll eventually get too much for him…"

TK stared at Matt, and Matt made sure not to break eye contact with him.

"I…" TK stuttered, shock overtaking his ability to speak coherently. "Can I go see him…? I need to talk to him…"

"He wasn't well at school today; I had him sent home, so he may not be up to visitors. Plus he's been getting some negative attitudes from some people…I think he'd appreciate positive words right now."

"Okay…" TK said, getting up and walking to the door as though his mind and not his body were propelling him forward. Matt put a hand on his arm to stop him.

"TK…are you going to be all right?"

TK stared at him a moment before breaking down into sobs, throwing himself into Matt's expectant arms.

"I d-don't want him t-to die!!" He said broken-heartedly. "It's not fair!!"

"I know it's not, TK…" Matt said softly, running his fingers soothingly through his younger sibling's hair. "I know…"

"H-how can you stand there a-and not get upset?!" TK demanded after a moment, pounding his fists weakly into Matt's chest with sudden anger and vigor. "Don't you have a heart, 'niichan?! Doesn't he mean anything to you?!" He stopped hitting Matt, letting his arms fall weakly to his sides. "Aren't you hurting…? Don't you care…?"

"TK…" Matt said softly, shaking his head. "It's not that at all…I've had a couple of days to get adjusted to it all. I found out on Saturday, like Tai did." He pulled TK closer to him. "Of course it hurts; he's my best friend, remember? And I _do_ care."

TK was silent for a moment.

"Come on," Matt said, breaking their embrace and half pushing TK to the door. "Let's go see him."

"Yeah…" TK said, letting Matt lead him like a small child. "Yeah, let's go see him…"

-------------------

Tai woke up that evening around seven o' clock, hearing his bedroom door click open through his light sleep. Looking up, his tired eyes trying to focus on who had entered, he made out the silhouettes of two people.

"Leave the light off…" he murmured to the visitor as they flicked the switch, causing Tai to shut his eyes and hold his arms above them. "Hurts…"

The light went out again, and Tai slowly opened his eyes.

"Tai…"

His eyes flew open then, forgetting the pain from the light, shock registering somewhere in him. _TK?!_ "That you TK?"

"Tai!!"

Tai felt someone jump onto his bed – he knew it would be TK - and throw his arms around him, sobbing into his chest. Tai put his arms around the boy and looked up, meeting eyes with Matt.

"You told him," he said blankly. Matt nodded. Tai shook his head sadly, pulling TK away from him to look him in the eye.

"Listen TK, I'm fine at the moment. Don't need to get so sad! I'm gonna be around for ages yet, hear me?"

TK simply sobbed into his hands. Tai looked up at Matt for help, but the blonde simply shook his head. There was nothing either of them could do or say that would make it better for the young Takaishi.

"Izzy phoned," Tai told Matt as his friend sat down on the bed, pulling TK into his arms. "He offered his support."

"See? Told you everyone would be fine with it."

Tai didn't reply, his eyes on the bottle of pills on his nightstand. He picked them up, resigning to the fact he would have to take them, no matter the side effects. His mother had left him a jug of water and a glass so he wouldn't have to get out of bed if he was feeling unwell, and he poured himself a half-glass of the clear liquid. He took out a pill and swallowed it, mentally sighing, as he knew it wouldn't be long before the ill effects kicked in.

"If it makes you feel worse, then what's the point in taking them?"

Tai stared at Matt. That was the second time that day he had correctly commented on the brunette's thoughts. "Quit reading my mind," he said good-naturedly.

"I read you, not your mind," Matt replied. "It doesn't take a genius to see you're uncomfortable with taking them."

"I know I'll get sick…" Tai said softly, so TK couldn't hear. The young boy wasn't paying attention anyway; lost in his own world of hurt and tears, with only his brother's arms around him keeping him sane. "But I have to take them…they help, despite the nasty side effects." He sighed. "I just wish it would go away…let me be normal again…"

Matt sighed. "I want it to go away, too. We all do. But it doesn't make you not-normal."

"Yeah, whatever…" Tai said disinterestedly. "I don't feel normal anymore…"

"You'll always be normal to me, Tai…"

Tai looked down at TK, who was staring at him, blue eyes wide and tear filled. Tai was reminded of the younger TK, the one who had helped them defeat the Dark Masters, for just a moment. That innocence…hopeful innocence…

_And he'll never give up hope that I'll get better, which will only make it harder on himself in the long run…_

_ _

"Thanks," he said simply. Matt let TK go as he moved forward, embracing Tai again. Tai grinned up at Matt, who was smiling with a mixture of pride and sadness at his younger brother.

"You'll be there for him, right?" Tai said softly. Matt nodded.

"Every step of the way."

_Author's Notes: Man, depressing! Please review or mail me at [Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com][1] with feedback! I'm going to be writing a sequel to this, set a few years on…look out for it soon ,if you liked this one!_

_ _

_The contest…there are simply NOT enough Matt/Tai friendship fics out there…so I decided to write some myself, hence this fic and Rain, it's predecessor, but it's not enough… ^_^ So, starting today and running to May 3rd (coz that's my birthday ^^) I'm hosting a Matt/Tai friendship contest. The prize? A Matt/Tai friendship fic written by me, with any situation given to me by the winner included. Basically, give me a plot and I'll elaborate it into a fic. Doesn't sound like much…but I couldn't think of anything else ._

_ _

_RULES: I don't have many rules, really. Just, please don't enter fics already posted; the idea is for new stuff to been seen ^^ If you post it at fanfiction.net, put 'Nanaki Lioness's Matt/Tai friendship contest entry' or something resembling that in the summary. Please don't make it romance; Taito fan that I am, I'm asking for friendship, coz there are plenty of Taito fics out there. If you don't have an ff.net account, mail me the fic at the address above, with the same words in the subject line as above. Good luck and have fun! ^_^_

   [1]: mailto:Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com



	3. In The End

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc are property of Toei Ltd. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

  
Time is a valuable thing   
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings   
Watch it count down to the end of the day   
The clock ticks life away   
It's so unreal   
Didn't look out below   
Watch the time go right out the window   
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know   
I wasted it all just to watch you go   
I kept everything inside and even though I tried

It all fell apart   
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time  
_Linkin Park: **In The End**_

_This is set three years after Rain and Virtue. Tai is now nineteen and in college; work out everyone else's ages around that. Beware, SEVERE angst and depression within, though it does have a *little* of what I like to call humor…_

_ _

_The song partway through is the chorus of the above song, In The End by Linkin Park. They own it, not me. I named the fic after the song because I'm unoriginal, and it was either that or another one-word-title. That, and because after about an hour, I still couldn't come up with something better ._

_ _

### In The End

By Nanaki Lioness

"If you turn to page 81 in the textbook, you'll see questions based on what I have been teaching you…complete the questions given; you have until the end of the lesson."

Matt rolled his eyes, turning to the textbook page, trying to find room to put it down on the desk he was seated it. It was a Computing lesson, so he had the addition of a computer monitor, mouse and keyboard in his way.

He shoved the keyboard out the way roughly, taking his annoyance at how _boring the lesson was out on it. He was just able to get the book in the small space in front of him, but to type he had to reach over it._

He mentally restrained himself from throwing the book across the room, and tried to find another place to put it.

"Why don't you just share my book?"

He turned to Tai, who had placed his book in between his and Matt's computer towers; the only space Matt had not seen himself.

"Thanks," Matt said, slamming his thick textbook shut and throwing it under the table in the general direction of his bag. He and most others had little or no respect for school textbooks, which was just as well as it hit the wall in front of him corner-on, bending the pages back a little.

He pulled his keyboard forward again and typed the title, date, and his name at the top of the page. Then he looked at the textbook, reading the questions through, wishing he _had actually paid attention for at least __some of the lesson._

"Do you get any of this?" Tai asked, looking over his shoulder, casting a shadow across the book.

"I just might do, if you get out of my light," Matt said, his eyes not leaving the book. Tai moved back, leaving Matt to do the hard part of working out what the questions meant. Despite his friend's ignorance to anything that called itself a teacher, he seemed to do pretty well in class.

"I'll just surf the internet whilst you find out then…" he said, grinning and leaning back in his chair. Matt turned to him, narrowing his eyes.

"You'll type the questions out and e-mail me a copy too, actually. If _I'm going to be working out the answers, __you can be doing something useful too."_

"Whatever…" Tai said, sighing and beginning to type the questions out whilst Matt made notes in his art sketchpad. Tai had to grin at that.

_Typical Matt. Never does things by the book, and always has to change the rules._

"I think I get it…" Matt said after a moment or two.

"Great. You can explain it to me then."

"In a minute. Just keep typing out the questions. I'm not fully sure yet."

Tai grinned and opened his e-mail program to e-mail Matt the questions. Sure, he hadn't finished typing them, but whilst Matt wasn't paying attention, he thought checking his e-mail was in order.

He blinked a couple of times as he lost his focus on the screen, stopping what he was doing and rubbing his forehead. It worried him a little; all illness did. He hadn't been sleeping well lately, he remembered.

_But then again, I hadn't slept well in about three years._

He blinked a few more times to reset his vision without any luck.

_You're just tired and overworked. Too much college work._

_ _

He blinked again, unable to shake the feeling of dizziness and lightheadedness. He coughed once, beginning to feel a little nauseous, but he found he couldn't stop coughing. He felt as though he couldn't breathe; air couldn't get to his lungs quick enough, like he was drowning in thin air.

It only took a few moments of coughing for him to attract Matt's attention. He looked up at the brunette, blue eyes narrowed in concern.

"Tai? You okay?" He queried.

Tai coughed a couple more times before nodding, his cheeks flushed and his eyes watered. Matt put his sketchbook and the pencil he was using down, his concentration fully on his friend.

"Tai?"

Tai stood up then, grabbing the back of his chair as he began to lose his balance. Matt was up in an instant too, his arms reaching out to stop his friend from falling. Yet Tai regained his balance within seconds, and he stood normally, though he still didn't look right.

"Mr. Kamiya?"

The teacher walked over to them, and all the students had stopped working, and were looking at him. They, like just about everyone else, knew about Tai's illness, so extreme caution was always taken when he felt unwell.

"I'm okay…" Tai said, staring at the wall in front of him.

"You're going to reception," the teacher decided. "Mr. Ishida, could you escort him there? I don't want him to pass out in the hall…"

"Sure," Matt said. "Come on Tai."

Tai didn't say anything; he was still staring ahead…at anything except Matt, his classmates, and the teacher.

"Tai? Didn't you hear me?" Matt waved a hand in front of his face.

"I'm fine." Tai said calmly, sitting back down in his chair again, still not making eye contact with anybody. He began typing the questions up again without another word. Matt simply stared at him.

"Tai!"

Tai blatantly ignored him, his eyes glued to the textbook and the monitor. Matt grabbed his shoulder and spun him round, forcing Tai to look at him.

"_What is your problem?! Stop being so stubborn and __come on!"_

"No."

Tai shook Matt's hand off of his shoulder and continued with his work. Matt stared at him some more, helplessly. The room had gone deadly silent, all the attention on the two.

"Tai, you're obviously not feeling too well," the teacher reasoned. "You don't have to stay if you don't feel well. You know that!"

"He's right," Matt agreed, closing the textbook Tai was copying the questions from. "So go on, get outta here."

Tai didn't say a word, saving the document he had been working on, seeing as Matt had prevented him coping more questions out. Then he logged off of the machine, seemingly furious at something.

"Can't you people treat me like I'm _normal?!" He eventually said, anger evident in his voice. He stood up slowly and deliberately, though a little shaky._

It didn't go unnoticed by Matt.

"Tai, you can't even stand up without looking like you're about to pass out. Stop this and see sense!"

"And what would _you know?!" Tai shouted at the blonde, who kept his cool and simply crossed his arms and looked away._

"I know enough to see you're unwell. And when you get unwell, you go home and you rest until you feel better. Quit making matters worse."

"Quit telling me what to do!!"

Tai lunged at Matt, connecting his fist with his jaw. Matt stumbled back, crashing into the computers behind him, but luckily they all stayed on the desks.

Tai stood over him, panting with the small amount of effort he had used. Fatigue hadn't done his reflexes and his body any good at all. Sweat beaded across his forehead and his features were pale. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and he looked as though he would pass out on top of Matt.

Matt stared up at his friend, eyes wide in shock at what he had just done.

"Geez, Tai…" he said angrily, rubbing his sore jaw. "I only care about your well being, you know. It's not too much to ask you to take care of yourself."

"T'is when you make me feel like an outcast…" Tai said, his arms dropping to his side in defeat. "I know you're only doing what you think is best, but it _isn't."_

With that, he turned and fled from the room, leaving the teacher to help the dazed Matt off of the floor.

"Don't do anything about it…" Matt said as he accepted the teacher's hand to help him up. "I know he should get punished for hitting me…but please, don't do anything. I'll talk to him."

The teacher looked set to protest, but didn't say a word.

"Go and talk to him now then," he said after a moment. "And then see he gets home safely."

Matt nodded and walked from the room, not knowing where Tai would be, but willing to search everywhere for him.

The teacher turned back to the students, who were all still shocked by the turn of events.

"What are you waiting for?" The teacher snapped. "Get back to work!"

------------------------

_Well, that was a real smart move Tai. Matt's just doing what he sees fit, and you do what to show your appreciation? Smack him. Now he'll probably never want to talk to you again, at least not for a little while…_

_ _

Tai was sitting in the library of the college, cooling his temper and trying to control his gradually increasing headache. He knew he wasn't too well - his medication had just been increased and the usual sickly effects it had on him were increasing tenfold.

_Stupid doctors. Think they know best, huh? Think they know just what to give me to make me better, huh? Then why don't they try giving me something that'll cure me?!_

He mentally chided himself for that thought; he had told himself, three years ago, that he would _not hope. He didn't want it all to come crashing around him when he got sicker, and he still didn't want to be hoping in years to come that he would get better._

_I won't get better, but it may not develop into AIDS. I was naïve back when I first found out…I thought HIV was an automatic death sentence. But no…like everyone told me, you can live a normal life with HIV, provided you don't get sick. _

_ _

_…and you *are* sick, you idiot, so *why* aren't you doing anything about it?! Why did you deny it in Computing? All that did would serve no purpose other than worry the teacher and annoy Matt coz you hit him. Great._

_ _

"It's the pills…" he muttered to himself, forgetting momentarily that he was in the library, and the library was silent. Yet no one heard him and, if they did, ignored it.

He sighed, knowing he just trying to put his mind at ease. He mentally ordered himself to make a doctor's appointment as soon as possible.

"Hey!"

A textbook slammed down in front of him, and he looked up to see a guy he had never seen before; Tai figured he was a freshman.

He glanced down at the book in front of him and his hackles rose. 'AIDS and the connection to homosexuality' was printed across the front of the book; a red bound textbook about an inch thick. No pictures on the front; just cold, hard black text.

"What's the idea of this then?" He said calmly. It was common knowledge in college that he had HIV, and 99% of the student body accepted that.

_Looks like this is the 1% who doesn't…_

"Well, I thought you might need to read up about it," the guy answered. "You might need to curb that lifestyle of yours in your next life."

Tai was up in an instant, fists clenched.

"Are you suggesting that _I bought this on myself?!" He demanded, raising his voice. The librarian glanced up at him to remind him of the silence rule but, upon seeing it was Tai and reading the large font on the book he had been given, he kept quiet. It didn't take a genius to know what had wound him up._

"'Course, it's bodily fluid and all that, isn't it? So who's your boyfriend? That blonde guy you're always with, the tall thin one?"

"Don't you _dare bring him into this!" Tai said, his body shaking with anger at the guy. "I am __not gay, and nor is he! I did __not bring this on myself, though I'm no different from those who did! HIV develops into AIDS and AIDS kills!"_

"AIDS is the perfect cure for homosexuality, don't you think?" The guy sneered.

Tai lost it then, laying into the guy. He wasn't gay, no, but he wasn't prejudiced either. There was no way he was going to let the guy say awful things about other people, and the fact he had bought Matt into the conversation annoyed him further.

As he held his fist up to punch the now-cowering freshman for the third time, he felt someone grab it.

"You shouldn't go round hitting people when you lose your temper, Tai. Don't take your anger out on others."

Tai shook Matt's hand off and collapsed to the floor, unable to stay standing. He had exerted a lot of energy that he didn't have to get into the fight and, as his adrenaline dropped, so did his strength.

"You should…have heard…what he was saying…" Tai stammered, trying to catch his breath. For the second time that day, the two had drawn the attention of everybody else in the room. "Besides…I was gonna get…in trouble…for hitting you…might as well…hit someone who deserves it too…"

"No, Tai. I wasn't going to say anything. I forgive you."

Tai didn't say a word, still trying to regain his breath.

The librarian walked over to them just then, glancing first at Tai, and then at the freshman.

"Prejudice is not welcome in this library," he said to the freshman, who was clutching his stomach in pain. "Get your things together, go to reception so they can check you over. Get _out of here."_

The freshman did as he was told, getting off of the floor and grabbing his things. Tai stood up, narrowing his eyes at him as he left.

"Tai, you know fighting is prohibited in school, and I'm going to have to report this to the Principal…" the librarian said, shaking his head sadly. "I understand why you did it, but I can't excuse it…"

"It's okay, I know," Tai said. "Matt's right; I shouldn't lash out at people because I'm angry with myself…"

"Sounds like the guy deserved it," Matt said. "But don't worry about that now. You're going home, and you're going to rest. Then you're going to the doctor, even if I have to carry you there."

Tai didn't reply, picking up his bag as the librarian thoughtfully removed the book from Tai's line of sight. Matt grinned at him, nodding to the door, and walked towards it. Tai followed, lowering his head to avoid the gazes of the people around him.

------------------------

"So...you aren't mad at me?"

"No way. I know it must be pretty frustrating for you. It didn't hurt too much anyway."

"Sorry..."

"Hey, I said no worries. Drop it, Tai."

Matt had made sure Tai had signed out and gone home, and walked back with him on the account that Tai 'might pass out at any moment walking home'. The college had readily agreed to him taking the afternoon off to see his friend was okay.

"Hey, Tai...? How are you feeling...? I don't mean physically, I mean...well, I know you haven't had a reaction like that in a long time...are you all right?" Matt asked, choosing his words very carefully. He may have forgiven Tai for hitting him the first time, but a second time of misplaced temper would begin to rile him. He had to draw a line somewhere, and that would be it.

Tai sighed, shifting the weight of his bag over on to his other shoulder. "Yeah. No matter how sympathetic people can be, there will always be people with that kind of attitude. I can live with it. I have to."

"You shouldn't have to."

"Don't get all righteous on me, Matt. Let it go. It's not you who deals with it."

"Maybe not, but it does affect me. I hate the way you get treated by fools like that guy..."

"It's okay, really."

Matt sighed, frustrated. "But it's not..."

"Just let it go, Matt, before you work yourself into a temper."

Matt had to laugh a little at that. "You can't talk to me about temper, Tai. Your nerves are more frayed than usual."

"Been feeling sicker than usual," Tai said simply, as though admitting that was the easiest thing in the world, when it _wasn't._

Matt grinned. "I _had guessed, after your performance in Computing." He hesitated a moment before asking- "What __was that all about anyway?"_

"I dunno...I really should go to the doctor and get a CD4 cell count done. Last one was a couple months back, and I'm nearly due. The count was 433 last time, and they got a bit concerned..."

"What _should it be?"_

Tai shrugged. "Somewhere over 600, I think. I'm not too sure...they never explain stuff right."

"You're going to the doctor _now," Matt decided, grabbing Tai's arm and pulling him in the opposite direction, to their local doctors._

"But I haven't made an appointment!" Tai said, trying to pull away. Matt shrugged, pulling his cell phone from his pocket, and handing it to Tai.

"_Make one then! Make an emergency one if you have to, because this __is as far as I'm concerned."_

Tai stared at the cell phone blankly for a moment until Matt sighed, frustrated, and snatched the phone back from his friend.

"What's the number?" He asked, knowing Tai would be able to tell him; his mother had forced him to memorize it in case of emergencies.

Tai told him the number somewhat sulkily, crossing his arms and turning away from the blonde as he made the call.

"Hello, can I make an appointment please? Today. What?! Are you _seriously_ telling me you don't have any appointments for another two days?! So people are supposed to arrange times to get sick, now?! No?! Well, explain the concept to me because I don't understand!"

"Matt…" Tai moaned, mentally smacking his friend.

"Can I have an emergency appointment then please? _Yes_ it _is_ an emergency! No, it's not for me, it's for my friend. Kamiya Taichi. It's none of your business what's wrong, is it? Are you a qualified doctor? No? Then I'm not telling you."

"_Matt_!" Tai hissed angrily.

"Yes, that's fine. Thank you for your _incompetence_, anyway. Bye."

Matt hung up the phone, pocketing it.

"Did you _have_ to be so rude?" Tai asked, narrowing his eyes at his friend. Matt grinned.

"No, but it was fun. They were trying to tell me I couldn't make an appointment for another two days!"

Tai rolled his eyes. "I was just asking you to be more polite, that's all."

Matt didn't reply, and no words needed to be said; he was simply trying to calm his nerves, and he was taking out a lot of anger and frustration on other people so he _wouldn't_ take it out on Tai.

"Let's get you home, Tai. The appointment's not for another couple of hours yet."

Tai didn't reply; his attention was elsewhere.

"I don't want to go home…" He said softly after a moment or two. "I want to…I don't know, I just don't want to go home…"

Matt nodded. "Okay, we don't have to go back to your home. You could come back to my place if you want?"

Tai shook his head again. "Actually, Matt…I want to be alone for a while. Thanks for helping me today, I really appreciate it."

Matt smiled. "Sure, any time. But make sure you _go_ to the doctors, okay? It's at 2.30pm. Don't be late."

"You'd give me hell if I was," Tai grinned. "Talk to you later Matt."

He began to walk away, but a hand on his arm stopped him. Matt looked at him and then the floor; uncertain of the words he wanted to say.

"You…you will let me know…won't you…?" Was all he said, not meeting his friend's eyes.

Tai understood what he meant instantly, and grinned at his friend.

"Sure I will. Everything'll be fine! Don't worry about it."

With that, he turned and walked away, leaving Matt watching after him.

_I'm glad you're so confident, Tai, because I'm not. Something's up and it's not good. I just hope everything _is_ all right…_

------------------------

"Kamiya Taichi?"

Tai looked up from the magazine he was reading as the doctor called his name, and he put it down, following the doctor into his room. He sat down opposite the man, who opened his medical file and looked at it closely. Even though his doctor knew him pretty well, he always seemed to check the file before doing anything else, should he have had to see someone else.

"What can I do for you?" He asked, his eyes not leaving the page.

"I…I haven't been feeling so well lately," Tai said. "I've been feeling dizzy and sick, and I keep getting headaches…I almost passed out in class at college today…"

"Your file says you're due a CD4 count soon, Tai."

"I know. They were pretty worried last time."

The doctor closed the file.

"433, wasn't it?" Tai nodded. "I'm going to arrange for you to have a CD4 count at the hospital tomorrow. I'm worried that your immune system is so badly damaged by the HIV, that it can't combat what appears to be a slight cold."

"Is that all?" Tai said. "A slight _cold_?"

"Yes, but it's always something more, isn't it?" The doctor said sadly, shaking his head.

Tai didn't say a word; silently taking the card the doctor gave him. "Hand this in at reception, and go to the hospital tomorrow first thing. They'll fit you in sometime in the morning."

"Is there something seriously wrong?" Tai asked. The doctor didn't say anything for a moment. "You think it's…developed…don't you…?"

"There is cause for concern, yes," the doctor answered. "But…I'm not saying that's what's happened. But you have to know your immune system is not very strong, Tai-"

"I know," Tai interrupted sharply. "Thanks for your time, doc."

With that, he stood up and walked out the door, throwing the card at the receptionist before striding to the door. He had to get out of there; all the doctors with their smart clothing and sterile rooms, all thinking they knew what was best for them…it was driving him insane.

"You're wrong," he muttered, pushing the door open harder than necessary, taking his anger out on it. "All of you. None of you know, not really." He turned round, clenching his fists angrily at his sides. "You're *wrong*!!" He yelled at the building, causing a few people who were passing by to look at him. He ignored them; he was used to the stares of people around him.

Satisfied he had vented his anger for now, Tai set off home, making sure to turn off his cell phone. He had told Matt that, yes, he would let him know how things went. But not yet. Not until he had calmed down and accepted the fact that there might be a problem himself.

------------------------

Matt sighed in frustration, putting his cell phone down. It had been an hour since Tai's appointment, and his friend hadn't got back in touch about what had happened. So Matt had tried calling his cell phone, only to find it switched off. He had called Tai's house but no-one was home; at least, that's what Matt came to the conclusion of. He hoped it wasn't simply Tai ignoring the phone.

Trying to put the thought out of his mind, he picked up his guitar and began tuning it.

_He's fine. Of course he is. This is Tai we're talking about here._

_ _

But he wasn't convinced. Sighing, he played a few chords on his guitar and, when he was satisfied it was tuned, he began to play. Nothing in particular, just letting his fingers do the all the work. If he were really _listening _to what he was playing, he would have been impressed. But he wasn't; he was doing much of anything but worrying.

_Come on, Tai. Call me._

_ _

------------------------

_ _

As soon as his cell phone began to ring about an hour later, Matt put his guitar down and picked it up, pressing the answer button and placing it to his ear without even reading the neon display.

"Tai?!"

"Huh? No, it's TK."

"Oh. Hey TK."

"Don't sound happy to be talking to me then, Matt!"

Matt sighed, sinking down on to the bed. "Sorry, TK…it's just…Tai had a doctor's appointment today, and he said he'd get back to me abut it, but he _hasn't_."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Kari just called. She said Tai came home earlier, and he was a little subdued…he didn't tell her or his parents what was said at the doctors; he just went back out again after a few minutes. I'm worried, Matt. What if it was something bad? You don't think it was, do you?"

"I…"

_/ The CD4 count was 433 last time, and they got a bit concerned.../_

_ _

"Matt?"

"…Tai was pretty sick today, TK. He almost passed out in class. And he told me he's due a CD4 count soon, because his last one was lower than it should be…"

"A CD what?"

"CD4…it determines how many of a special T cell are in the body, I think, I'm not too sure. Tai never explained it because he doesn't really know what it is either. The average is over 600 or so, and Tai's was 433 last time, I think."

There was a silence on the other end of the phone as it sunk it.

"…it's started, hasn't it?"

TK's voice was shaking, and Matt's heart went out to his younger sibling. Although he wouldn't admit it, he feared the same thing.

"We won't know anything until Tai talks to us, TK. Don't assume things that may not be true, it'll only make you feel worse. It could be nothing."

"It could be everything."

"Hey!" Matt said sharply. "You have the crest of Hope, don't you? Then hope things are all right! I've never heard of you to get pessimistic about anything, so don't start now!"

"I'm sorry…I just don't want…I don't…"

TK couldn't continue, and Matt could hear him sobbing softly.

"Do I have to come over there and knock some sense into you?!" He snapped, ignoring how much the sound of his younger brother in pain was hurting him too. "Snap out of it, TK! Tai'll be okay! And even if he's not…well, he'd have told us by now, surely? Maybe he's just annoyed. I know he hates doctors, and I had practically to force him to go."

"Yeah…I'll talk to you later Matt…"

"All right…are you okay?"

"No, not really." TK sighed shakily. "But I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

"Call me if you need to talk later, okay?"

"Sure…"

Matt could tell TK wasn't really listening; he was too caught up in his pain to acknowledge his brother's words.

"Love you, 'toutochan."

"…love you too, 'niichan. Bye."

"Bye."

Matt placed his phone down, lying back on the bed, defeated. Half of him was mad at Tai for not calling, and the other half was worried.

_And now TK's upset about it. Tai, why the hell are you letting us in?! You told me you'd call, and then you didn't._

_ _

His cell rang again and he picked it up, sitting up as he answered it. The neon display read 'private number'; he figured it must have been a payphone or something.

_Tai calling from a payphone? No…he has a cell phone…_

"Hello?"

"Matt…I'm sorry I never called…"

"Tai?! Where the hell have you been?!"

"Don't yell at me, please…"

Matt bit back the sharp words on the tip of his tongue, taking a deep breath to calm himself.

"You do know how worried I've been, right? You told me you'd call and then you didn't? I thought something terrible had happened!"

"Sorry…everything…well, the doctors are so _dumb_. They seem to think there's cause for concern just because my immune system isn't kicking in to combat some stupid cold I have. They've booked me in for a blood test at the hospital tomorrow morning, probably to do a CD4 count." 

"Is that what they said?"

Tai didn't answer.

"It's not, is it? What else did they say?"

"…nothing…he didn't have to…he thinks it's happening, now…"

"Do you think he's right?"

"I don't know. Possibly."

Matt didn't reply, feeling his breathing becoming slightly restricted as what Tai had told him registered in his mind.

_I won't cry! I've been telling myself that for three years, and I'm not going to start now!_

_ _

"I wouldn't make assumptions, Tai, you could end up hurting yourself. Just see how it goes tomorrow at the hospital. Did you want me to go with you?"

"You don't have to do that-"

"I want to," Matt interrupted.

"Well, okay…if you want to…"

"Hey, Tai? Are you calling from a payphone?"

"Yeah. I left my cell phone at home when I went back for my coat. I didn't stick round long though."

"I know. Kari called TK and TK called me. They were both worried. I think you should go home and let them know you're okay, and what happened today. They're your family; they have the right to know. And also…call TK. I just had him on the phone in tears because he's so worried about you."

"I didn't mean to upset you guys…"

"Well, you _could_ have called when you found out, but don't worry about it. Just call TK and let him know you're okay."

"All right. Thanks for listening, Matt."

"Sure, anytime. Take care buddy."

"Will do. Bye."

"Bye."

Matt put the phone down; relieved to hear his friend was okay. Sure, he was a little worried about his state of mind, but Tai had a non-defeatist's attitude. He sounded as though he wasn't taking the doctor's word for anything until he had got his blood test done and the results back.

_I don't blame him. Things like this can't be taken lightly. They can't screw it up; this is Tai's life here, and he and they both know it. I just hope things are okay, and that it _is_ just a cold like Tai said…_

_ _

------------------------

The next morning seemed to take forever to arrive, in Tai's eyes; he had been up since half five in the morning, thinking about what was to come that day. He wouldn't admit to anyone else he was so worried, but he was. He knew things weren't right; the fatigue he was so accustomed to now had been increasing steadily, and he was beginning to have dizzy spells again. He had changed medication a couple of times in the past year, and had at first put it down to that, but things weren't _right_ and he knew it, deep down.

Admitting it was the hardest part of all, though.

He was currently waiting outside his apartment building for Matt for arrive, so they could make their way to the hospital. He was a little late, but Tai didn't mind waiting. It gave him a chance to think, and to brace himself for the visit.

A minivan stopped by the side of him then, and he recognized Matt sitting in the front seat, winding down the window to speak to him.

"Dad offered to give us a lift on his way to work," Matt said, grinning. Tai knew _that_ meant Matt had bribed him into doing so, or something of the like. "Hop in!"

Tai opened the sliding door and jumped in the back, buckling his beat as Mr. Ishida smiled at him in the rear-view-mirror before driving on.

"How're you feeling?" Matt asked. Tai grinned and shrugged.

"Not too bad, thanks. I bet all they're going to do is take a blood test, give me the results in a couple of days time, and tell me everything's fine. Stupid doctors."

Matt didn't reply, his heart going out to his friend. He sounded as though he desperately wanted to convince himself that that was the case.

"They always think they know best," Mr. Ishida said, sensing the same thing as his son, and trying to help put Tai's mind at rest. "Everything'll be fine, they're just being overly-cautious."

"Can't blame them, Tai…" Matt added.

They lapsed into silence, Tai staring out the window as they drove through the city. He concentrated on the things around him more than usual, simply to keep his mind off things.

_I never realised how different the world looks when you're actually paying attention._

_ _

He tried to shake the thought that he wouldn't have much time left to admire the world, but it wouldn't go away. It plagued him relentlessly, and by the time Mr. Ishida dropped them off outside the hospital, he felt like breaking something from frustration. He only hoped it wouldn't be the doctor's wrist as he drew blood from him.

"Ready?" He heard Matt ask.

"Ready as I'll ever be. Let's just get this over with."

------------------------

Tai managed to restrain his temper as the doctor drew the blood he needed, and he and Matt escaped the hospital a couple of hours after they had arrived without any counts of assault or GBH to add to their names. The doctor had promised to telephone Tai as soon as he had the results, and Tai had been pleased when he had been told the results would be back later that day.

_But now there's all this waiting time…_

_ _

They were currently walking to college, Tai feeling better than he had been the previous day. He could sense Matt watching him out the corner of his eye, and it was beginning to annoy him.

"Quit it."

"Huh?" Matt asked, turning his full attention onto his friend. "Quit what?"

"_Watching_ me!"

Matt grinned. "And what you gonna do if I don't, huh?"

"Probably break your legs. I'm not in the mood to be 'looked after' right now."

Matt didn't reply, tearing his gaze away from his friend and keeping it away. He didn't want to anger Tai right then; he knew his friend was frustrated about having to wait for his test result. Tai had been right; they had done a CD4 count, and they would tell him how things were 'progressing' when they could.

"I'm sure it's nothing," Matt said after a moment. "Stop worrying about it."

"I'm not worried about it."

"You have the funniest way of not-worrying about something that I've ever seen, Tai."

"I'm _not_ worried! What makes you think there's anything to worry _about_?!"

"I never said there was! _You're _the one getting wound up!"

Tai turned just then, his fist raised at his friend, but Matt caught it before it could do his face any damage. The basis for the attack wasn't really prominent, Matt realised; in fact, Tai really had no reason to hit him at all. Yet he had attempted to, and it angered Matt a little. He was only trying to help, yet Tai didn't seem to be listening.

"Stop taking your anger out on me, Tai!" He yelled, keeping hold of his friend's wrist tightly. "There's only so much I can take, and I'm drawing the line _now_!"

Tai stared at him, not moving his fist from the air or from Matt's grasp. He locked eyes with his friend for a moment before pulling his hand away roughly.

"Leave me alone, Matt," he said sharply before turning and walking away in the other direction. Matt stared after him, knowing better than to follow. Instead, he made his way to college. Tai's absence would be explained easily enough.

_He needs time to calm down. He's probably going home to do just that. Or, at least, I _hope_ he is…and if he isn't…_

_ _

He silenced his thoughts, staring at the gray pavement as he walked. Soon, Tai would have the answer to his question, and things would go back to normal again. That was how Matt saw it, and he mentally cursed the doctors and the hospital for not informing Tai more on the situation.

_Tai's a grown man, for crying out loud. He can look after himself. He doesn't need you wrapping him in cotton wool all the time; he's only your friend, not your son._

_ _

_But sometimes it can feel that way…I guess the crest of Friendship still affects me deeply, even after all this time._

Sighing, he closed his mind off from the thoughts. He had lack-of-completed-homework excuses to think up, and he couldn't concentrate if his mind was clouded with thoughts of how Tai was doing.

_He's fine. I know he is. He _has_ to be._

------------------------

  
I tried so hard   
And got so far   
But in the end   
It doesn't even matter   
I had to fall   
To lose it all   
But in the end   
It doesn't even matter

------------------------

Matt switched his cell phone on a couple of hours later, as he left college to walk home. He was hoping Tai would have called him, and left a message explaining the situation as it stood so far. Sure, he knew they had fought, and he was still a little angry, but that didn't mean he no longer cared.

Sure enough, about a minute later, his phone beeped to tell him he had messages. Dialing his voicemail number, he realised he actually had four messages. _Probably all from Tai. _He pressed 1 to listen to the first one.

"Matt, I know you're probably not speaking to me, but when you find you can, call me."

Matt grinned. That was the closest he was going to get to an apology from Tai.

The phone beeped, and began to play the second message.

"Matt! Why the hell haven't you got your phone turned on? I hope you're not still mad. Call me."

The blonde stopped walking, the grin leaving his face as he realised how panicked Tai sounded. He waited for message three to kick in.

"Matt, I'm sorry I yelled and all that, but please turn your phone on! I know that's really dumb, saying that, 'coz you can't hear me, but I need to talk to you, now!"

Matt began walking again; this time in the direction of Tai's house though as message four began to play.

"_Matt_! _Call_ me! _Please_!"

The phone beeped and a voice declared that he had no more messages, but Matt wasn't listening. Something had happened, and from the state Matt could tell Tai was in from simply his voice, it wasn't good.

His fast pace turned into running, and that into sprinting, as possibilities weighed themselves up in his mind. He _had_ to get to his friend. He only hoped Tai was actually home, because if he wasn't, Matt would have no-where else to search.

He ran up the stairs, mentally counting the floors until he reached the one Tai lived on. He stopped for a fraction of a second to gain his breath before running down the hall to Tai's front door.

He knocked a few times, catching his breath as he waited for someone to answer the door. Nobody did, and he knocked again, louder this time.

Sighing, he resolved to turning the handle, and found it open. Someone had to be home; they had only put the catch on the door. Taking a chance, he walked inside, and stopped short at what he saw.

The apartment was littered with tiny little pieces of paper…medical prescriptions, Matt saw, as he entered and picked a piece up to examine it. Walking forward again, he felt something crunch under his feet, and he stopped again. He bent down, half dreading what he would find.

He picked up a couple of pills, both different types. He kept them in his hand and shifted through the torn pieces of paper, uncovering more, as well as a few broken pill bottles. Dropping the pills back amongst the debris, he walked into the lounge of the apartment.

The scene was even worse, with more prescriptions, pills, bottles and the like everywhere he turned. Yet that wasn't what worried him anymore; he had spotted the lone figure on the couch.

"Tai…?" He said softly, walking up behind him and placing a hand on his shoulder.

Tai was shaking, a bottle of pills in one hand, cell phone in the other.

"You never called."

Matt was shocked at how weak his friend sounded, and walked round to sit beside him on the couch.

"I was in class. I turned my phone on as soon as I left college, and I came over when I got your messages…"

"I called about an hour or so ago, the last time. Sorry, I should have known you were busy."

"It's okay, don't worry about it…"

Tai put his phone down on the coffee table, but still kept the pills in his hand, his hands clenching around it so hard his knuckles turned white.

"You want to know what they said, don't you?"

Matt nodded. There was no use pretending he wasn't curious, and it was obvious from Tai's lack of respect for anything he had been given by doctors, that it was something bad.

"They…they said my CD4 count has 'dropped dramatically'. They said that there is 'great cause for concern about my health'."

"What was the CD4 count…?" Matt asked, almost afraid of the answer.

Tai lowered his head, not looking at Matt, but only for a moment. A split second later, he cried out angrily and threw the bottle onto the floor, hard. Matt winced as it shattered open, spilling the pills onto the carpeted floor.

"184. _184_. You know what that means, don't you?"

"Oh, god, no…"

Tai laughed bitterly.

"Yeah. I said something like that too. They explained to me that 'when the CD4 count shows a level of T cells below 200, or 14%, then the person in question is officially marked medically as having AIDS…'"

Matt didn't – couldn't – respond. This was the thing everybody had feared, and reality was a harsh thing. He knew asking if it was all a mistake, if it was untrue, was stupid and naïve. It was inevitable that HIV would develop into AIDS, and it had. But that _didn't_ mean it hadn't hit hard.

"My parents are going to ground me for weeks," Tai stated, his eyes focused on the debris of the room. "But I don't need any of it anymore. It's all old stuff, stuff to treat HIV. I don't have that anymore. Though I dunno why they're bothering to treating AIDS, it doesn't actually kill you." He closed his eyes. "Due to the 'excessive weakness of the immune system', 'flu can kill me. A slight cough can kill me." He squeezed his eyes tighter as tears began to seep past his eyelids. "A slight _cold_ can kill me!"

"Tai…"

"Don't say anything, Matt. I called because I need you here, not because I want you to talk to me and try and make me feel better." He sighed, seeming a little angry in his sadness. "This is death row only without a date of termination!" He said, burying his head in his hands, sobbing.

_He said that once before, three years back…he said it was like death row…and I guess it _is_ in a way._

Matt reached out to him mutely, conforming to keeping quiet as Tai had requested, simply placing a hand on his shoulder, but Tai pulled away.

"I said shut up, Matt! Just _shut up_ and let me be!"

Matt didn't say another word, sighing and looking around the room as Tai wept, not knowing what he could do or say to comfort his friend when he wasn't _letting _him. He wanted to help; he wanted to take the pain and illness from his friend and banish it, but he knew he couldn't.__

_No use wishing things that can never happen. Oh, Tai…_

"I've got new pills," Tai continued. "To try and slow it down, but it's pretty futile. Why prolong the suffering? Might as well slit my wrists now; at least it'll be quick. I'm dying day by day…and that hurts, Matt…"

"I know," Matt answered quietly. "But…every day you get through is a victory _against _it. Don't give up, Tai. You never have and I don't want you to start now."

Tai didn't answer, getting off the couch and trying to rectify the damage he had done to the apartment. Matt got up and pulled him back.

"I'll deal with that," he stated. "You just sit down and take it easy, okay?"

For once, Tai didn't protest. He lay down on the couch and stared up at the cracked ceiling, exhaustion hitting him hard. He closed his eyes, hearing Matt in the kitchen.

"What are you looking for?" He asked.

"A dustpan and brush. If I pick it up with my hands, I'll slit them on the bottles…"

Tai winced. He didn't realise how badly he had reacted until now.

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't go apologizing. Just tell me if you have a dustpan and brush."

"The cupboard under the sink…you'll find some bin liners in there too…"

He listened to Matt opening the cupboard and taking things out, before coming back to the lounge. He felt guilty that Matt was clearing up what _he_ had done, but he couldn't have helped. He felt too tired.

"Sorry you're stuck doing that," he said, the best he could offer.

"Nah, it's all right. I'm used to cleaning up remember? I think Dad doesn't know how to do it himself!"

Tai grinned a little at that, too tired to continue the conversation He could hear the sound of glass hitting the plastic dustpan as Matt swept it up, as well as the pills and papers. He concentrated on that sound, trying to relax into sleep.

The sound of the front door opening made him sit upright, but he soon laid back down as his head throbbed in retaliation.

"Tai? Are you home, honey? The door was on the catch-"

Mrs. Kamiya's voice stopped short as she saw the apartment.

"Tai?! What happened in here?!"

Matt stopped what he was doing and stood up, smiling weakly at her.

"Hey Mrs. Kamiya…" he said. Mrs. Kamiya stared at him; the blonde was still holding the dustpan and brush, as well as the black bin liner. She hadn't seen Tai on the couch, as the back of it was facing her.

"What happened, Matt?"

Matt stared at the floor a moment, before picking up a handful of pills and handing them too her. Mrs. Kamiya looked at them in shock before looking round the room once more.

"Did Tai do this…?" She questioned slowly, clutching the pills in her shaking hands.

"I'm sorry Mom…"

Mrs. Kamiya gasped and ran to the couch.

"Tai?! Honey, are you all right…?"

Tai stared at her before collapsing into her hands, sobbing onto her shoulder. Mrs. Kamiya held him, his eyes wandering around the room once more before landing on Matt, who had begun to clean up again.

"There's no need for you to do that, Matt," she said. "I'll do it later."

Matt shook his head firmly. "No. I'll do it. It's okay, really." He set back to it again as Tai began to speak.

"Mom, I'm sorry, I just…lost it…the hospital called with my results…"

"And…?" Mrs. Kamiya asked, knowing it was bad, but needing a confirmation from her son's lips before she would believe anything.

"And it's developed into AIDS."

Even Matt winced at how cold and harsh the words were. So final, so unforgiving, so…empty. He stopped what he was doing for a moment, glancing up as Mrs. Kamiya cried with her son. He felt out of place, but he didn't dare leave until Tai asked him to.

Sighing softly, he continued to clean the debris up, trying to stop himself from crying. He had promised himself that he wouldn't, and he had done well in the past three years. After initially losing it after Tai had informed him, three years ago, he had steeled his mind and his body. He had to be strong, if not for himself, for Tai. He wouldn't break down now, even though he wanted to.

Do I ever…it happened so quickly…it's not fair. Tai's tried his hardest, and he's still falling…but he won't give up. Not now, not ever.

_ _

The sound of Tai apologizing to his mother over and over through strangled sobs hit his ears, and he closed his eyes tightly.

"I-I wish I were a kid again, Mom…If I were a kid, I could relive my life, and I could do it right…"

Matt stopped what he was doing, just momentarily. It _hurt_ to hear Tai say that. It hurt to know what was happening, full stop.

# No ever said it wouldn't hurt, baka. And it's going to continue to hurt, every hour of every day. But it's not going to hurt you like its hurting Tai.

# 

# Oh, god…I need to get out of here…if I stay, I'm going to break down, and I *can't*…not now…

But he couldn't. He _couldn't_ leave. Tai needed him right now.

I won't leave because I'm having a weak moment. I can't do that to him.

_ _

"Matt?" Mrs. Kamiya said gently. "Please, leave it be. I'll do it. It's not fair for you to have to do it."

"I don't mind," Matt said. Mrs. Kamiya smiled slightly.

"You're an Angel," she said softly. "Tai's lucky to have you as a friend. But you don't have to do it, really."

She looked away, resuming to stroking Tai's hair gently – he had fallen asleep in her arms. Matt stared at the floor, those words alone nearly breaking his defenses down again.

_You're so damn weak!_

_ _

"Do you want me to go…?" He said softly. "So you can be alone?" _You know they'll want time alone. Taking the easy way out, as usual._

_ _

"It might be an idea…let Tai get some more rest…" Mrs. Kamiya said. "Thanks for everything you've done Matt. Why don't you come back later, around teatime? Tai will appreciate the company, and you can have dinner with us."

Matt nodded, putting the dustpan and brush down. "That'd be great. Thank you."

He turned to leave, and was reaching for the door handle when he heard Mrs. Kamiya's voice again.

"Don't block it out, Matt. I can see you're hurting. It'll make it harder for you as things go on. Reality can be very harsh."

Matt's hand was shaking, and he clenched it tightly into a fist, eyes squeezed shut.

"I know," he said simply before turning the handle and exiting the apartment quickly. As soon as he had closed the door, he leant back against it, taking deep breaths to calm his heart. _God_, it hurt, to hear those words.

He took a few more moments to straighten his mind out, before slowly making his way to the stairs. The last thing he wanted to do was break down, and he had come close.

You can't hide from it forever. It's going to hit you, eventually, and it'll hit hard.

I wish I were a child again too, Tai…

_ _

## He blocked his thoughts out, stronger now, slowing the pace at which he was trying to leave the building. He would be coming back again, later, but right now all he wanted to do was to go home, find a corner, and hide there until it was all over.

And he couldn't.

_Author's Notes: This wasn't going to have yet another sequel, but I figured 27 pages of angst were enough for now! I don't think I've ever written something so long that didn't have chapters!! ^_^ I'll be working on the next one as of later today, I guess, so it shouldn't take too long for it. That SHOULD be the climax of the series, IF my muse will co-operate and not make me type another 27 pages of unplanned stuff. I do have plans for this, amazingly. That's a first, ya know ^^_

_ _

_Depressing, yes. I had to stop writing at one point because it was hurting ME and I'm writing it! I feel so mean! ._

_ _

_No entries for the Matt/Tai friendship fic contest as of yet…details about that are at the end of Virtue, for anyone interested who doesn't know about it._

_ _

_Feedback will be greatly appreciated; reviews or e-mail to [Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com][1] if you could be so kind ^^_

_ _

_On a final note, I apologize if it made anybody cry! ._

   [1]: mailto:Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com



	4. Tears and Angels

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

_The sequel to In The End, and the next of the 'To Live, To Die, To Forgive is Divine' series. Set another two years after In the End; Tai is twenty-one, and he and Matt are both in college, or wherever, advancing their education._

  


_Also, the winner of the Matt/Tai friendship fic contest was Lianne with her fic 'Priorities'. Thanks to everyone who entered!_

_ _

Tears and Angels

By Nanaki Lioness

"How are you feeling today, Tai?"

"You know the answer to that, doc. If I felt well, I wouldn't be here, would I?"

Tai was irritated. He had been feeling pretty unwell over the past week, and everyone had made sure he attended the doctor. Although he knew it was because they cared, he was still a little annoyed. He didn't want to be sitting in the doctor's office, having him listen to his chest, look into his throat and ears, and other things he classed as horrific to him.

"I think you just have a 'flu-type virus, Tai," the doctor said, sitting back in his chair. "There's nothing I can do for you; viruses can't be cured by medicine. But, considering your condition, you should stay out the cold, okay? Winter's been pretty harsh this year, and there's a lot of this kind of thing going round. Stay home and if you have to go out, make sure you wrap up _well."_

"You mean like I already do?"

The doctor sighed. "There's nothing more I can do, Tai. Your immune system is weak, you know that. You have to co-operate with me and just rest easy for a few days. Stay warm, rest up and drink plenty and you should recover pretty soon. It'll take longer than a healthy person to do so, but you'll get there. Follow my advice and you'll recover soon." He smiled. "If you're still not feeling well in a couple of weeks, come back to me and I'll re-assess the situation and perhaps organize a CD4 count for you. I don't think you need one now."

"I have overprotective family and friends," Tai stated simply. "I _knew I was okay."_

"Don't get mad with them, Tai," the doctor said quietly. "They care about you."

"Yeah, yeah…see you later, doc."

With that, Tai walked out the office, sighing heavily, but regretting it as he was caught up in a bout of coughing.

"Tai?"

He looked up and smiled weakly at his mother as she stood before him, have run from the waiting room as she heard him coughing.

"I'm fine Mom," he said softly. "Just a touch of 'flu. He says if I rest for a few days I'll be feeling better in no time."

Mrs. Kamiya looked visibly relieved. "I'm so glad…."

"Don't worry about me, Mom, I'm tough!" Tai said confidently, walking out to the car park where Mr. Ishida and Matt where waiting for them. Mr. Ishida had offered to take them to the doctors, so Tai would be out the cold for as long as possible. After all, it was Sunday, and he wasn't working.

"How'd it go?" Matt asked as Tai and Mrs. Kamiya got into the back of the reporter's van.

"Touch of 'flu," Tai said simply. "Rest and warmth'll cure me in no time."

No more was said on the matter as Mr. Ishida started the van up, heading back to the Kamiya's apartment.

--------------------------

The moment Tai got home, with Matt simply because his blonde friend was worried, he was dragged off into his room and questioned rigorously on the doctor's visit by the aforementioned blonde. Sighing and answering the fire of questions was the only way he saw fit to calming Matt down, and so he did. For a little while.

_He seems more upset than usual…_

"Matt," Tai said eventually. "He really did say I'm all right. He just said wrap up warm, rest and drink plenty! Seriously!"

"Then get into _bed," Matt stressed._

Tai shook his head stubbornly.

"Why are you being so difficult?!" Matt asked, exasperated.

"Because you're freaking out for no reason!"

"It is _not for 'no reason' Tai! You're sick! And you can't __afford to get sick!"_

"You think I don't _know that?!" Tai lost his temper for a moment, rising from the bed and clenching his fists. "You think I don't __know the consequences?! I __do know, and-."_

His body interrupted him, deciding it had had enough of the effort it took to argue, and sent him into a round of harsh coughing. He collapsed back down on the bed whilst Matt rifled through his bag and handed Tai a bottle of water. Tai accepted it, nodding thanks as best he could, drinking some. It helped, and he eventually stopped.

Matt looked at him imploringly. "Get into bed," was all he said.

Sighing in defeat, Tai crawled under the covers and lay down. He couldn't win the argument; Matt was right, he wasn't well, and he couldn't afford to be reckless.

Matt grinned and nodded, satisfied. "Thank you."

Tai just shrugged, although it wasn't very visible due to the covers being wrapped around his shoulders. Matt frowned.

"Tai?"

"Matt, I _know how to take care of myself, right?"_

"I know."

"You don't have to fuss all the time."

"I _know."_

"Then why _do you?" Tai asked, sitting up and looking at the blonde imploringly. Matt stared at the floor, sighing heavily._

"Because I care," he eventually said. "Because I don't want life to be any harder for you than it already is." _And because I'm afraid that you're going to end up killing yourself without thinking you've even done wrong._

_ _

"My life's always going to be hard, Matt. The last thing I need is you getting on my case every time I do something you think could damage my health."

"Can you blame me?"

Tai didn't respond; he couldn't. Any words he chose would devalue his best friend's concern and cares to nothing, and that would most likely earn him a good smacking, whether he was sick or not.

He yawned, the fighting he had been doing beginning to take effect on him. Matt noticed - Tai didn't doubt that he did - and stood up, heading for the window to draw the blinds.

"I'll go then," he said, pulling the dark shutter over the window, banishing most of the light from the room. "You rest up, okay?"

"Sure."

Matt grinned and picked up his bag. "Bye."

"Yeah, see ya.."

Tai closed his eyes the moment Matt left, closing the door behind him. He was more exhausted than he had let on to his friend. Letting himself relax, he soon drifted off in to sleep, only minutes later.

--------------------------

_He was walking through the park; it was summer and the sun was relentlessly attacking him with its warmth. Children played, people walked their dogs, and cats roamed free: Summer's gift of magic evident in the air._

_And then there was he, listening to his Walkman and enjoying the sun. He had no cares, no worries, nothing but sweet music in his ears and suntanned skin._

_ _

_Up ahead, he could see someone had fallen, and he ran to assist. Reaching the person, he realized it was someone he knew._

_ _

_"Matt?"_

_ _

_"Hey Tai. Can you give me a hand…?"_

_ _

_He was bleeding; his palms were pools of blood where he had fallen to the ground and tried to catch himself._

_ _

_"Sure."_

_ _

_He helped his friend from the floor, and they sat on a nearby bench. Matt held out his hands as Tai cleaned the blood off as best he could with a tissue._

_ _

_It was beginning to rain, the sun retreating behind dark gray clouds. Neither noticed nor cared, despite the fact it was summer. Matt was wincing, hissing between his teeth, as Tai cleaned the wounds._

_ _

_"Tai? You're pressing too hard."_

_ _

_Yet the pressure he was using still stayed the same, and he found himself stopping completely. He stared down at his own hands, covered with his friend's blood. And then he grinned._

_ _

_It was raining harder now, thunder beginning to clap in the skies. The cloud cover was total. And they still sat, neither seeing._

_ _

_He found himself pulling a small blade from his pocket, and heard Matt's voice in his ear asking what he was doing. Grinning still, he placed the blade to his cool skin and dragged it across his palm, spilling blood across the silver._

_ _

_Matt was staring at him, wide eyed, and he was still grinning that insane grin. Then he laughed, and clamped his hand round his friend's, feeling their blood merge as his infected crimson ran with his friend's pure._

_ _

--------------------------

Tai awoke with a start, sitting up in the bed with cold sweat covering him and his covers.

_It was a dream. Oh God, a dream…_

_ _

Shaking, he picked up his mobile phone from the bedside table and dialed Matt's number. He had to find out if he was all right.

The phone rang a few times before Matt answered, and he sounded tired.

"Matt?!"

"Huh? Tai? It's nearly midnight!"

Tai was taken aback for a moment, focusing his eyes on the clock next to him to see Matt was right.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize-."

"No, don't worry about it," Matt said, sounding more awake now. "You wouldn't have called unless it was important. What's up?"

"I dreamt…it was awful…."

"Do you want to tell me?"

"No. Not really." Tai shuddered, remembering what he had done in the dream. "I couldn't…wouldn't do it to you…."

"Do what to me? Tai, do you want me to come over?"

"But it's late-."

"I don't care."

"…I hurt you…." Tai admitted. "In the dream. You fell, and I was helping you out…you were bleeding…." He sighed, trying not to break down. The scene in his mind was vivid, and he hated the thought of ever hurting Matt. "I-I cut myself, and infected you with my blood. You were cut too, so I held my hand over yours and it infected you."

"Tai." Matt's voice was calm and still. "It wasn't real."

"It was real enough for me."

"I'm coming over." It wasn't a request, rather more a statement. "See you soon."

Before Tai could protest, Matt had hung up. He sighed, placing the phone back down and trying to stop shaking. He told his tired eyes to stay open, not to sleep, yet his ever-decreasing immune system demanded more time to rest and recuperate. Within only moments, he found them shutting and he stopped fighting. The need was too great, and he dropped back into sleep again.

--------------------------

_The park; again, it was bright and sunny. He played with his sister, she younger than he, teaching her how to play soccer. She wanted to play on the swings._

_ _

_So he let her, and offered to push, grabbing hold of the swings to steady it as she shakily climbed onto it; she was young, only four, and couldn't do it herself. As she smiled and reached up, he let go. She stared at him, her small hands already on the seat ready for her to get up onto it._

_ _

_His finger; bleeding, blood oozing from the small cut the chain had inflicted upon him. Seeing his sister unhappy, looking set to cry for she wanted to play, he ignored it and held the swing._

_ _

_She climbed up and sat down, and he began to push her, higher and higher. She squealed with delight._

_ _

_"Higher, Tai! Higher!"_

_ _

_So he did, pushing her into the blue blue skies to be kissed by the sun. She was flying._

_ _

_And then, it began to rain. None of them noticed; the sun was still shining and the warmth still strong._

_ _

_She could feel her hands slipping, and then she was falling. She was high, so high, at the time and she fell from grace like a maimed dove. The sky had clouded over, and thunder could be heard in the distance._

_ _

_He stared as she fell, yet when she hit the floor, she didn't hit that hard. She began to cry, appearing unhurt apart from her knees. They were cut open, bleeding openly onto the springy tarmac floor. He bit his lip, feeling responsible._

_ _

_"Kari…I'm sorry Kari…."_

_ _

_He held a hand over her knee, realizing his mistake too late as the cut he had began to mix blood into her. He stared, unable to take his hand away, nor his eyes._

_ _

_And all the while, she was still screaming, crying, from the pain. Oblivious._

_ _

--------------------------

"KARIIIIIII!"

Tai awoke the second time that night, shaking and sweating in fear. He couldn't see; his eyes were unfocused from shock. He sat up, vainly trying to catch his breath. The images danced cruelly in his mind, and he desperately tried to rid them from his thoughts.

After about ten seconds, when he had calmed down, he coughed and began to focus on objects in them room. He jumped as he noticed a figure sitting on his bed, staring at him through the darkness. Rubbing his eyes and blinking, he almost hit the ceiling when the figure spoke.

"Tai, what happened…?"

Matt's voice. He vaguely remembered that he had given his friend a house key; he must have come over, as he said he would, and let himself in.

"T-the same," Tai stammered, hearing his door open as Kari peeked her head round it. She had fallen asleep in the living room, watching a film, and been awakened by her brother's scream. "It's okay, Kari. Go back to bed."

"But, Tai," she said softly, padding into the room, her eyes half closed yet worried. "You called my name…."

Through the soft light the half-open door was letting in, Tai could see how worried his younger sibling was. He felt bad about calling her name out, even though he knew in reality he couldn't have helped it.

"It was a bad dream," Tai reassured her. "I'm okay. Go on, go back to bed."

"Are you _sure?"_

Tai grinned at her. "Of _course I'm sure!"_

"Okay…." Kari still looked concerned, but smiled. "'Night."

"'Night Kari," Tai said softly as she walked from the room, seeming to forget she slept in the room she had just walked out of, closing the door behind her. As soon as he heard the door click shut, Tai lowered his head into his raised knees and sighed.

"'The same'?" Matt reiterated Tai's earlier comment, urging him to continue.

"It was an accident this time! Not that that makes it any better…but, god, Matt, I can't keep having these dreams…."

Matt didn't reply, simply nodding his agreement; Tai could just make out his silhouette in the dark.

"Can you stay…?" He asked his blonde friend. "Here…?"

"Sure. I figured you'd say that, so I already left Dad a note."

"Kari already fell asleep out there, so you can sleep up there…." Tai indicated Kari's bunk above his own.

"Okay," Matt said, standing up. "Will you be all right?"

"…yeah. I'll be okay."

Matt didn't seem convinced, but he climbed up onto the top bunk anyway. "If you need me, you can just call."

"I know. Thanks Matt. 'Night."

"'Night Tai."

They lapsed into silence, Tai staring up at the bunk above him, sighing. He was deadly tired, yet he couldn't bring himself to shut his eyes and sleep for fear of more nightmares. He figured Matt wasn't sleeping above him either; he was probably staring at the cracked ceiling and trying to keep awake.

_I don't want to sleep…but I have to…and I can't stay awake thinking about not sleeping._

_I'm too tired, now. So tired…of everything__…of fighting…of trying not to give up, and never succeeding…_

_ _

_Sleep. Just sleep, Tai. Everything will be better in the morning. Everything will be all right then, if I can just make it through one more night._

_ _

--------------------------

_It's getting harder…I can't keep this façade up much longer…_

_ _

Matt tried to silence his thoughts, telling his mind to shut up and go to sleep. But it wouldn't; it kept wandering, thinking thoughts he didn't want it to think.

_You know you're going to break. Maybe not yet, but you will._

_ _

He turned over, putting his hands over his ears like it would help block the voices in his mind. It didn't, and he still couldn't silence the awful thoughts running through his head.

He heard Tai's voice call his name, muffled, and he uncovered his ears. He knew his friend wouldn't sleep, not if he could help it.

"Yeah, Tai?"

"I thought you were sleeping…I called twice already."

"No, I just…spaced out."

"Oh…."

Silence fell between them, punctuated a few moments later with Tai sighing loudly and speaking.

"Matt, do you ever get afraid…?"

The question put Matt on edge; it was unexpected, and he knew it would lead to much more than it seemed. But still, he figured, if Tai wanted to talk about what was happening to him, then he could. Even if it was to try and convince himself he wasn't the only one feeling isolated and scared.

"Yeah," he answered. "Who doesn't?"

"What are you afraid of?"

Matt thought a moment before answering, carefully placing his words. "Stuff," he eventually said, not able to come up with anything more coherent.

"_Stuff?"_

"Yeah. Like…my Dad's cooking."

They shared a laugh over that, but the melancholy mood soon set them back to somberness.

"I don't really know, Tai," he said softly. "I don't have phobias or anything, but that doesn't mean I don't get scared."

"Are you…do you ever think of death?"

Matt smiled to himself. He could have bet money that was what Tai wanted to _really talk about. "Yeah…it's something that tends to cross my mind."_

"Are you afraid of it? Ya know, death and dying?"

"_Kind of," Matt said, turning onto his side and pulling the covers over his shoulders. "I'm more afraid of death than dying. I know I'm going to die one day…and I hope it's not too hard on me. But, everyone hopes that. I…I guess death of others scares me a lot more."_

Tai laughed a moment, a little bitterly. "You're talking about me, aren't you?" He said softly.

Matt nodded, though it couldn't be seen. "Yeah. That was what you wanted, right? But that still doesn't change my view. I'm still frightened of what's going to happen to you."

"I'm scared…." Tai said, his voice little more than a whisper. "I don't want to die! But…I know I shouldn't delude myself."

"You shouldn't be afraid to hope," Matt stated.

"But for what use? Matt, I have this disease that, no matter _how much I loathe thinking it, is eventually going to cripple my immune system. So, even a winter cold could kill me in ten years time when I have no T cells or whatever!"_

"I know, Tai. You don't need to tell me that. But modern medicine is always being developed and-."

"And I'll be dead before a cure for AIDS is discovered," Tai interrupted bluntly, but immediately regretted his harshness in the stunned silence that followed. "Hey, Matt, I'm sorry. But…it's true, ya know."

"I know." Matt's words were clipped and short, the result of him trying to keep stoic when he was hurting.

"Matt…."

"Don't, Tai. You're right; it's all true, and I have to accept it. If you have, then so should I."

They fell into silence. Neither of them knew what to say in the awkward moment; Tai realized he had been a little _too blunt, and the insensitivity to his friend's feelings would have hurt the blonde. He opened his mouth to speak, but coughed instead._

But then he was unable to stop; coughing harshly, sitting bolt upright as his body was wracked with the force. He vaguely heard Matt scrambling down the ladder to his aid, but he couldn't concentrate. His lungs were raw, and yet he still couldn't stop.

He felt someone - had to be Matt - push a glass of water into his hand, and speak to him. He couldn't focus on the words, feeling his mind blanking out. He struggled to stay awake, and tried to drink some of the water, yet he couldn't lift the glass to his lips. It fell from his hand as he blinked, momentarily losing consciousness as he did so. And he blinked again, longer, and lost his sense of time completely. He fell back on to the bed, the coughing halting, as his body passed out.

--------------------------

"Tai! Tai!"

He could hear his name being called. He tried to swim through the fog in his mind to reach out to it, but couldn't. He reached out an arm, just slightly; surprised at the effort it took.

"He's waking up!"

He concentrated, and managed to open his eyes to unfamiliar surroundings. He looked up, seeing someone sitting on the edge of his bed. He blinked a couple of times, and made out the image of his mother.

"Mom…?" He said, his throat sounding hoarse and dry. He swallowed a few times as his mother smiled at him.

"Are you feeling better, Tai?"

He nodded, looking round the room. It was white and smelled sterile, and he instantly knew he was in a hospital.

"How…how long have I been out?"

"A couple of hours."

"It must be really late…."

"It's okay, baby, don't worry about it," his mother soothed, brushing a lock of hair from his eyes. "I'm just glad Matt was with you to alert us to what was happening…."

"All I did was cough," Tai stated.

"Actually, Tai…you coughed up blood."

He stared at his father, who walked to the side of his bed.

"Blood?!" He asked incredulously. His father nodded.

"Quite a bit, actually. That's why you passed out; your body couldn't take it."

Tai stared at him, shaking his head softly. His eyes gazed round the room once more, and his eyes fell on Kari. She was asleep in the visitor's chair, her features worn. He realized as he saw his parent's tired eyes that it really _was late._

"Kari," his father said, shaking her as he noticed Tai's eyes on her. "Wake up."

The young girl did so, her eyes immediately turning to Tai as she awoke. She smiled when she saw him awake, and closed her eyes again. She looked happier now, yet too tired to actually go and speak to him. Tai realized that, and let her sleep.

Another gaze around the room, now he was more awake, concluded somebody was missing.

"Where's Matt?" He asked.

"The doctor's wouldn't let him in here. He's not family. We tried to explain you'd want him there, but they weren't having any of it. Eventually, we sent him off to clean up."

"Clean up…?"

"He was trying to help you after you passed out," his mother explained. "He was yelling for us, because he didn't want to leave your side. When we got to you, he was already trying to keep your airways open; he was trying to clear your mouth out with his hands. If he hadn't have done that, you might have choked to death. So…he got a little covered in the process…."

Tai winced, feeling bad. He hadn't ever expected that of his friend; it wasn't his job to look after him!

"But now you're awake, they should let him in," his father said, walking to the door. "I'll go and find him, and get sanction for him to see you."

Tai nodded as his father opened the door, sighing as heavily as his painful lungs would allow him. Yet, his eyes strayed back to the door as he heard his father chuckling softly.

Matt was standing in the doorway, smiling slightly; he had his hand raised, as if to knock to enter. He lowered it again and walked into the room.

"How did you get past the doctors?" Mrs. Kamiya asked. Matt shrugged.

"I told them in no uncertain terms to let me through." He looked over at Tai and grinned. "But I see he's already awake."

Tai didn't reply, his eyes on Matt's clothing. The white polo shirt he had been wearing was blood splattered, as was his hair in places. He had been wearing black jeans, but they were darker in places with what was obviously blood.

_My blood…_

Although his friend's hands were now clean, Tai could see what appeared to be blood under his fingernails. Even from the distance he was at, the red stood out under the brilliant white.

"Are you feeling better?" Matt asked him, approaching the bed.

"I would be if you'd stop wearing my blood," Tai answered, grinning to show he didn't mean it. Matt smiled, sitting down on the opposite side of the bed to Mrs. Kamiya.

"Well, next time you're choking on the stuff, I'll make sure I change my clothes before getting rushed up to the hospital!"

Tai laughed a little at that, but soon stopped as his lungs gripped in pain. Matt sighed sympathetically.

"You really got yourself into a bind, Tai," he said.

"I know. Thanks for helping me."

Matt shrugged. "What was I supposed to do, let you choke? I don't think so." He grinned. "Besides, I probably owed you the favor anyway."

"I owe you my life."

Matt didn't say anything, breaking eye contact with the brunette. Tai could see the struggle to be happy, and to be strong, on his features.

_God, this probably scared him witless. Him and my family…they probably thought they were going to lose me…_

_ _

"Don't mention it," Matt said simply, standing up. As he walked over to the window, Tai realized exactly _how worn and tired he looked. He tugged open the small window, just a fraction, to let some air into the stuffy room._

"It _is hot in here…." Tai said softly. "Thanks, Matt. I swear, you read my mind sometimes."_

"I told you once before," Matt said, his eyes focused on something outside. "I don't read your mind; I read your actions."

He said no more, and didn't come away from the window. He kept his eyes on anything but Tai, or the room. Tai could see it was blindingly obvious things were beginning to take it's toll, and Matt was a prideful guy. He would never show how he really felt if he could help it; he would go out of his way to _not show it, to the point of being obvious._

_Unless, of course, I've pinned him to the floor about to hit him, Tai thought, a smile on his features as he remembered their incident in Freeze Land when they had been eleven._

"Why don't you go home, Matt…?" He asked after a moment.

Matt shook his head, finally turning from the window; he seemed more composed, but he didn't look fully happy. "I don't want to."

"You can't sleep here. The doctors won't let you."

"Who says I'm going to sleep?" Matt said, a grin on his face. Tai rolled his eyes.

"You're impossible."

The door opened and admitted a nurse, who smiled upon seeing Tai awake. She rushed to his side, and looked up at his parents. "He'll be fine for the rest of the night. You should go home and get some sleep."

"But-." Mr. Kamiya protested.

"Dad, I'm okay," Tai interrupted. "Mom and Kari are sleeping; take them home. And take Matt back with you, too."

"All right…." Mr. Kamiya said, waking his wife and daughter up. Mrs. Kamiya, who had only been sleeping lightly, was awake in an instant. 

Kari, however, sleepily arose from the chair, looking like she would collapse. Mr. Kamiya picked her up, murmuring something about how he shouldn't be carrying seventeen-year-old daughter around. Yet she was too tired to walk, and he accepted that. She fell asleep in his arms almost instantly.

"Bye, Tai," his mother said, giving him a hug and a kiss. "We'll be back first thing in the morning."

"Sleep well," his father added, walking to the door with Kari. "If you wake up with difficulty, be sure to alert someone."

"I will, Dad," Tai said. "Bye."

"Bye, Tai," Matt said, waving a little as he walked to the door. "I'll be back with your parents, too." Tai grinned.

"Make sure you change before coming back," he quipped. Matt mock-scowled at him before grinning and walking out, leaving Tai with the nurse to be checked over.

--------------------------

"Tai…?"

"Yes, Nurse?"

The Nurse looked at him, concern in her eyes.

"I think things might be taking a turning for the worst," she said. "I'll take this blood sample down to the lab, and have them test it. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow morning."

Tai rolled his eyes. "This suddenly? Come on, I want some proof!"

"Take a look at your chest…."

Tai looked at her, confused, before lifting his shirt. There, on his chest, was a lesion. Bold, dark and purple; it looked as though someone had punched him. He stared at it and then the Nurse in disbelief.

"I never noticed that before!"

"It wasn't as bad as that, I'd imagine. The sudden turn of illness has made it appear more rapidly. I'm going to have this blood tested for T Cells."

"Whatever…."

Tai was past caring. He dropped his shirt and lay down in the bed and closed his eyes, not another word to the Nurse. She opened her mouth to say something to him, thought better of it, and made her way from the room.

--------------------------

About half an hour later Tai was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling thinking about his visit from the Nurse, when he heard his door open. A flicker of light spread across the floor, and a silhouette appeared in the doorway.

"I'm fine, Nurse," he said. "You've poked me enough for one night."

The figure didn't reply, and pushed the door open enough for Tai to see who it was.

"Matt?!"

The blonde stood in the doorway, smiling a little at his friend.

"You were supposed to go home with my parents!" Tai exclaimed.

"Well, I told them to leave me here. They just grinned and told me to take care of you."

"I don't need taking care of. The Nurse already did that."

Matt walked fully in, closing the door and approaching the bed. Through the darkness, Tai could see him making his way to the bed.

"You want the light on?"

"No, I'm fine. I can just about see you."

With that, he promptly walked into the side of the bed and fell straight onto it. Tai laughed as loudly as his lungs would let him, and pushed the blonde off of him where he had fallen.

"Thought you said you were fine."

Matt didn't reply, sitting on the edge of the bed. Tai reached above his bed and turned a small strip light on, illuminating the room in light. Matt had his arms crossed, and was smiling good-naturedly. Tai could see his hair was wet, and his shoulders were damp where the strands were resting. He was still favoring the shoulder-length look, despite complaining about it getting in his way and in his eyes all the time.

"You could have done that for me in the first place," the blonde said after a moment, mock-sulking.

"I thought it would be more fun to watch you fall over," Tai grinned. He indicated Matt's clothes. "I see you didn't change. You still have my blood on you."

"Well, I generally don't carry spare clothes around. I washed it out my hair as best I could in the sink, though."

"I can see."

Matt smiled. "I thought it might make you feel better."

Tai didn't reply for a moment, his eyes on the blood that still stained Matt's clothing. And then, something dawned on him, and he sat bolt upright.

"Matt, do you have any cuts on your hands?!" He said, terrified that his nightmare of infecting his friend would come true. Matt stared at him as if he had gone crazy.

"Tai, you think I didn't think of that?! Of course I haven't, else I wouldn't have let myself come into contact with your blood! And besides, even if I did and got infected, it'd be my fault, right?"

"No…." Tai said softly, shaking his head vigorously. "It'd be _my fault…."_

Matt grinned. "Well, whatever. I'm not cut, therefore I'm not infected."

"Take a test."

"What?!"

"I want you to take a test anyway…."

Matt laughed. "Tai, I'm all right! I'm-."

"-going to take a test."

"But-."

"Matt!" Tai near-yelled, though if he would have done, he would have hurt his ailing lungs even more. "Please, to put my mind at rest! I'll never be able to forgive myself if I think I've given you this terrible thing!"

"All right," Matt agreed, relenting. "But only because you asked so nicely," he added with a grin. "Even though I know I'm fine. And, even if I wasn't - which isn't going to happen - I wouldn't blame you."

Tai didn't reply, and Matt didn't press the conversation. They sat in comfortable silence; Tai staring at the ceiling and Matt wearily glancing round the room. He didn't want a nurse or doctor to walk in and throw him out.

The sound of the dawn chorus caught their attention after a couple of minutes, the melodious harmony of the first birds flittering through the air in natural song. Tai grinned slightly and turned to Matt.

"It really has to be late. Or early, rather."

Matt nodded. "Get some sleep, Tai," he stated. "You'll feel better for it."

"What about you?"

"Don't worry about me; just get some rest."

"But where are you-."

Matt interrupted by leaning forward and reaching above Tai, pulling the light cord. They were plunged into darkness instantly, and Tai could see and feel Matt getting off the bed. He lay down, defeated by his own fatigue, as Matt made his way over to the visitor's chair.

"Don't fall over it when you get there," Tai called softly.

A silence for a moment, in which Tai _knew Matt was smirking, and then, "'Night Tai."_

"'Night…."

Silence reigned again, but only for a moment.

"Matt…?"

"Yes, Tai?"

"The-the nurse told me…that things are getting serious…."

He heard Matt getting out the chair, and flicked the light on to assist him. Matt was glaring at him, seemingly angry.

"And why didn't you say anything before?!" He demanded. Tai shrugged.

"'Coz I didn't want you to freak out."

"And what _else am I __supposed to do?!" Matt asked, sitting back down on Tai's bed._

"Calm down, Matt! She said it looked as though things _might 'take a turn for the worse'-."_

He cut himself off coughing; his eyes squeezed shut with the force of it. When he opened them again, Matt was gazing at him with an unreadable expression in his eyes.

"You have lesions, don't you?" Matt eventually said softly. Tai lowered his gaze.

"How did you-."

"It's one of features of AIDS you don't have yet. Well, didn't have. And no, I don't want to look. I don't want anything more to do with this-."

He cut himself off, realizing he was showing who he felt on the situation if he did. And he _didn't want Tai to know how it was affecting him._

"Quit the act, Matt. I can see it's hurting you."

_More than you know, Tai…_

_ _

Matt shrugged, seemingly indifferent. Tai didn't take any notice, his gaze drawn to the small flickers of sunlight peeking through the blinds.

"You know what, Matt…? I know it's going to happen soon. I don't think I'm going to see that sunlight again. Not really. Not fully. They're not going to let me leave the hospital if my T Cells are low. And I'm sure they are…."

"Shut up!" Matt demanded, turning away from his friend. "You were never the pessimistic one! Don't start now!"

"Matt, what have I got to be optimistic _about?! I have a debilitating illness that's stopping me from living a __normal life doing __normal things. I see myself __dead within a year, if not before. I don't see anything to look forward to." He laughed bitterly, not surprised to find tears building in his eyes as he reeled off his list of confessions. "And you know what?! It __sucks!! I __hate this! I __hate hospitals and I __hate doctors, and I'm going to __die surrounded by both! And I'm going to die, __right here, probably in __this bed, wired up to some machine that's gonna be beeping away my life for me. It's gonna beep and beep my heart rate out for me to listen to, and I'll be saying 'oh look, it's getting slower'! It's like those clocks that tick…when you listen to them, it's soothing in a way, but think about it. It's really just ticking little, bitty seconds of your life away!" He giggled, almost insanely, lost in his own little ranting world. "And Matt? You know what __really sucks?" He stopped, waiting for Matt to answer the almost rhetorical question._

"No…?"

"I never got to experience what _love is. I never got to know what my parents have, or what it's like to date or anything. No, it was always studying with me. And, when I found out about this, I didn't want to get attached to anything 'coz I knew I'd just die on them anyway. And, even if I didn't, I could never really do much expect talk to them, 'coz I'd be afraid of infecting them. Heh, AIDS condemns you to a life of loneliness. No-one will love you because you're sick with a deadly disease, and you can't love because the other will only be hurt in return…."_

"Oh, _god, Tai, __please be quiet…!"_

Tai stopped short as he heard his friend's voice. It was tiny and weak, and shook with heavy, badly controlled grief. He had half forgotten Matt was there, and dreaded to think how much his outburst had pained his friend.

"Matt, I'm sorry…." He reached out a hand, to pull his friend round to face him, but found it falling back to the bed. He cursed himself for being so weak, and again as Matt simply got off the bed and half-ran from the room. He pulled the door shut behind him, leaving Tai in the semi-darkness of the cold, sterile white room.

--------------------------

_God, what was he *thinking*?! Is he trying to break me down?!_

_ _

Matt walked through the corridors of the hospital, ignoring the staff who glanced at him - it was the early hours of the morning, and all visitors were meant to be gone.

He headed to the only place where he figured he wouldn't be found - the hospital bathroom. Pushing open the door, he let it shut by itself and sank to the floor next to the nearest wall. He could _not take this. Tai was his best friend, and he hated the idea of him so down._

_I can't believe he felt so bad about never being loved…doesn't he realize platonic love is just the same? Or that his family loves him?_

_ _

He stared at the wall in front of him for a while, the only sound his heavy breathing. He had calmed down now, yet he was still shaken. He had _almost broken down in that room. __Almost._

_You swore you would never cry. And you're not *going* to, not 'til this is over one way or another…_

_ _

_Or, at least, that's what you're going to tell yourself. I feel like I'm breaking down bit by bit…that no matter what I do the fight to be strong becomes harder. Either that, or I'm getting weaker…_

_ _

He yawned, fatigue finally catching up with him. He made a move to get off the floor, but stopped himself. Where would he go? He couldn't go back to Tai's room, and he couldn't leave the hospital without being questioned.

_Sleeping in a hospital bathroom isn't my idea of fun, but it'll do. And when I wake up, I'll go and see Tai. I'll just have a couple of hours…_

_ _

_Just…just an hour or two…_

--------------------------

_"Hey Tai?"_

_ _

_"Mmm?"_

_ _

_"Do you really want to do that Math homework?"_

_ _

_Tai looked up from book he was writing notes from, and grinned at the blonde._

_ _

_"You know I'd do *anything* to get out of Math homework. What do you have planned?"_

_ _

_"You know that new laser arena in town?" He held up two small business-card sized tickets. "I got us a couple of free games. How about it?"_

_ _

_Tai accepted one of the cards and flipped it over in his hand, grinning. "Well, I'm gonna have to really think about that one…."_

_ _

_He grinned back. "Let's go, then!"_

_ _

_They set out across town, heading to the newest attraction in Odiaba. They didn't doubt loads of kids would be there, but that was the fun part. They would be the adults there; the shepherds amongst the sheep._

_ _

_"There's two sensors on the shoulders," he was saying to Tai. "And, if it's little kids, just shoot them there. People run round trying to cover their front sensors, but when they're little, it's easier just to shoot down. Also, if anyone tries to shoot you in the energizer, make the fact well known. It's against the rules, and they'll get mined if they're caught doing it."_

_ _

_"Mined?"_

_ _

_"The Marshall takes 4000 points off their final score." He grinned. "There's a fireman's pole too, Tai, but they don't appreciate it very much when you go down with the gun in one hand and the pole in the other. It's not the movies in there."_

_ _

_"How do you know so much about this place, Matt?"_

_ _

_He shrugged. "TK dragged me along before I met up with you, and I enjoyed it. I figured you would too, so picked you up a card. It's free games all day today, 'coz it's the first day."_

_ _

_They continued to talk and to walk, taking note of the park and the streets. The sky was bright, the sun shining heavily, tingling their arms and their faces with its invisible rays. It was the weekend, and neither had a care in the world._

_ _

_"So what happened about that doctor's visit of yours, Tai?"_

_ _

_"Oh, that?" Tai shrugged. "Nothing. I'm fine!" He grinned. "And here's me thinking 'it's serious, they took a blood test'! But it was nothing."_

_ _

--------------------------

_ _

Matt awoke, finding himself sitting upright with his back against a wall. He stretched and stood up, though he was shaking. The dream he had just had was beginning to sink in.

_So real…_

_ _

He had half-believed, when he had woken up, that none of this ever happened. That Tai really _was okay, and that they had been on their way to the laser arena that, in reality, wasn't opening until that weekend…not any of __this. Tai had wanted to go - he had been the one to suggest it a year or two back when the plans were being made._

_Nonono, stop thinking about it…_

_ _

He couldn't. He had no idea of the time, but he found himself leaving the bathroom. He noticed it was busier, and light was streaming through the windows, therefore it had to be daytime.

He headed back to Tai's room, almost as though he needed a confirmation. The door was open, he noticed as he approached, and he slowly peeked his head round the corner.

Tai's parents were at his bedside, one of either side of the bed. Tai was sleeping, and a Nurse was talking to Mr. Kamiya. He could hear her soft voice talking about a blood sample, but most of all he could hear Mrs. Kamiya's sobbing. She was saying one phrase, over and over…

"I love you Tai, please don't leave us, please baby…."

Matt backed away from the door, feeling as though he was reading another's diary. It was wrong for him to be there, he told himself, as he backed away and headed to the hospital exit. He would just go home to his Dad, explain the situation and come back in a couple of day's time when Tai would be feeling better…

_Who are you trying to kid?_

_ _

He made it halfway across the car park before breaking down. He just stopped walking, sinking to the tarmac ground in front of a red car - he could have thought of the model of it if his mind had been in the right state.

But it wasn't, and he found himself sobbing into his hands. _What happened to not crying? His mind chided him, but he ignored it. All that consumed it was grief…and he had a lot of __that pent up._

He pulled his mobile phone from his pocket and turned it in, mindlessly entering the pin code he had put on to stop Tai using his phone when he had used all his own credit.

_No matter how much he bugs me, I still care…_

_ _

He dialed his father's cell phone, knowing he would be at work and not at home, and sobbed harder when he found it off.

He could hear footsteps walking towards him; he didn't dare look up and see whom it was, nor did he quiet his sobbing.

_Probably a doctor, telling me to quit making a fool of myself in the car park…_

_ _

"Matt…?"

"Dad…?!" He looked up then, tears in his bloodshot eyes, and on his cheeks.

His father knelt down in front of him, putting a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. Matt grabbed hold him and pulled him close, for his own comfort. Mr. Ishida, slightly unsure what to do with his grown son sobbing at him, slowly placed his arms round him.

"What happened, Matt? I had a call from Mr. Kamiya saying you had stayed here last night, and you weren't with Tai this morning. He asked if I could come down and see if things were okay…."

"It's not fair!!" Matt cried, burying his head firmly in his father's shoulder. "Why does he have to die?!! It's like someone taking a piece of _me away! He was going on about dying in here and never seeing the sun and being unhappy…I had this dream that everything would be okay, that he was okay, and when I woke up and it hadn't happened…." He stopped, taking a couple of deep breaths to calm himself. "Last night, he was t-talking to me about never experiencing love…he-he's so __stupid! He doesn't realize he __has! His __mom and dad love him, and __Kari loves him, and __I love him…." He stopped, choking for breath. "__I love him! Doesn't he __see that?! Love between friends is as good as any other, and I'm going to __miss him like __crazy!!"_

"I know," His father responded slowly, unsure of what else to say.

"Does he _know that…?" Matt repeated quietly, almost to himself._

"Come on, son," Mr. Ishida said with a nod. He stood up, pulling Matt up with him. "Let's go back in that hospital and you can tell Tai what you just told me. Just so he _does know."_

"Yeah," Matt said, smiling just a little. "Yeah, I'd like to do that."

--------------------------

"Tai, where's Matt?"

Tai sighed; he had hoped Matt wouldn't have come into the conversation. Yet, his ever-observant father pointed out the lack of his friend a number of times. Tai ignored the subtle hints to be told where he was, but he couldn't ignore a blatant statement.

"I…I think I was a bit harsh," he said slowly. "He left…because I said some things that hurt him…."

Mr. Kamiya didn't reply, shaking his head slightly. Mrs. Kamiya was sleeping in the visitor's chair, exhausted from her own emotional outburst.

"He understands how frustrated I get, and he puts up with it," Tai continued. "But, _I know there's a line with what Matt can take. Or rather, take without breaking down. I think I may have crossed that line last night…."_

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know," Tai answered quietly, his head bowed.

"How upset was he, Tai?"

"I don't _know…he left before I had a chance to do much other than apologize."_

"What did you say…?"

Tai shook his head defiantly. "It hurt Matt because it was to do with _me…I'm not going to tell you and hurt you too."_

He stopped as the door to the hospital room opened slowly, and Mr. Ishida peeked his head round it. Tai sighed heavily, shaking his head.

"You've come to tell me Matt's so upset with me he's gone home and not coming back, right?"

Mr. Ishida, to Tai's surprise, shook his head. "No, Tai." Without another word, he pushed Matt into the room.

Tai grinned at him, opening his mouth to say something, yet his words died in his throat. His friend's eyes were bloodshot and watery, and his cheeks damp. He was clutching a small handful of tissues to his side, looking to the world as fragile as glass. Mr. Kamiya took one look at him, and then at his son, before lifting his sleeping wife from the visitor's chair and exciting the room.

"Oh, Matt…." Tai said softly as the door closed. "I'm so, _so sorry…."_

Matt shook his head, opening his mouth to speak. He made a slight choking sound instead, and strode across the room to Tai's bedside. Sitting down, he stared at his shoes, his eyes refilling as he fought for the right words to say.

"You're such an _idiot," he eventually said, his voice hoarse from what Tai assumed to be recent sobbing. "Don't you get it? You __have been loved! And you __are loved in return. Ever heard of platonic love?"_

Tai stared at him blankly.

"Platonic is friendship, Tai! I _am the symbolism of Friendship, and how good a friend would I be if I couldn't say that I love you?"_

Tai stared at him still. That thought had never crossed his mind, and he inwardly kicked himself.

"And your family, Tai! _They love you unconditionally, no matter __what happens to you or __how sick you get! And if you think that just because you're sick, it means you can't be loved…well, you're wrong, you stupid __jerk! You __are loved! You're just in a self-piteous state right now, and you can't open up your __damn eyes and see!"_

"Matt…." Tai said softly, lost for words. Matt looked up at him, and Tai cringed at the amount of hurt in his clear blue orbs.

_It's always been there. He just never let you see…_

_ _

"I'm sorry," Tai said softly. "I'm just pretty depressed, is all…I'm getting weaker, and I don't like it. It just feels like I'm taking one step forward, yet two backwards. Who knows, maybe I am? I don't think I'm going to get better from this point on. I _know you all love me...it's just pretty depressing when you know that you're never going to get married and have kids, or never going to see how things change ten years from now..." He sighed, staring at the white duvet covering his thinning body. "I should just pick up a calendar and rip out the last few months, because even though the days are spelt out ahead, __I'm not going to get to see them."_

"Tai-."

"No, Matt. I know I hurt you with what I said before, but this is the _truth. You think I __want this to happen?" He laughed at the thought. "No. I don't want to die. No-one does, do they? But...it's inevitable. It's gonna happen, and it's gonna happen soon. I need to bring myself down from the clouds and face reality."_

Matt didn't say a word; he just looked at the gray, worn carpet tiles on the ground and avoided his friend's gaze. Tai kept his eyes on him, though, determined to make him see just _how sorry he was._

Without warning, Matt grabbed his arm and yanked him forward, smacking him across the back of his head. Tai reeled for a moment; the smack wasn't hard, yet it made him think for a moment.

"That was for hurting me and making me cry when I told myself I _wasn't going to," Matt admonished, grinning slightly as he let his friend go. "If you weren't sick, I would have hit you a lot harder than that."_

Tai nodded, accepting the punishment. He knew he deserved it and more.

They sat in silence for a while, comfortable with not talking until Matt muttered something softly.

"What was that?"

"I wish I had wings..." Matt repeated, louder. He gazed skyward, blinking away silent tears. "Like in the movies, and like Angemon and Angewomon. Those big, feathery ones that _always look beautiful and soft, no matter what."_

"Matt...?" Tai said softly, his eyes narrowed in confusion. "What are you talkin' about?!"

Matt turned to face him, smiling slightly even though tears stained his cheeks. "If I had wings, then maybe I could come and visit you when you're gone."

Tai laughed a little. "Matt, you know I don't really believe in any of that...."

"You know what...?" The blonde said, a faint smile on his features. "Neither do I. It just...well, it's a nice thought..."

"Like getting a taxi?" Tai grinned. Matt nodded slightly, and Tai grinned more. "A taxi service to Heaven? Man, you'd never be able to get one. And they'd probably charge double rate."

"Time _and distance," Matt muttered softly, bringing his gaze downwards with a sigh. "But I gotta stop dreaming, as nice as the dreams are..."_

Tai didn't reply, his eyes closing against his will. Fatigue caught up with him quickly most of the time now. He knew it was to do with him getting sicker.

"Tired...?" Matt asked. Tai nodded as best he could with his head lying against the soft pillow. Matt stood up and began to walk to the door.

"I'm sorry for what I said..." the brunette said half-coherently, his eyes closed.

"Don't worry about it. Just rest..." Matt said, almost soothingly, heading to the door. "See you later."

He exited the room, knowing Tai would fall asleep very quickly; it hadn't escaped Matt's notice that he seemed to do that a lot. He knew why, too.

_One of these days he's not going to wake up, ya know._

_ _

He silenced his thoughts and pushed back inevitable tears. He would _not let himself break down again._

"How'd it go?"

He looked up at his father, and smiled wearily even though he could feel his control slipping away. He opened his mouth to speak, but found he couldn't talk past the tears choking his breath. He covered his face with his hands, trying to breathe normally, but found it impossible as his father's arms wrapped around him comfortingly. He didn't resist yet didn't grab hold of him either. He just let himself be held.

--------------------------

A couple of weeks passed before Matt could bring himself to step foot back into the hospital where Tai still wasn't being allowed to leave from. He had heard from Kari that her brother wasn't getting any better. More worryingly, he was beginning to not-respond to his medication. He had been tried on numerous combinations of pills, but no avail.

He didn't know what to expect when he opened the door to the room he had been avoiding. He had pictured the sterile room to be pretty much the same, with Tai the same too.

He _hadn't been expecting to open the door and see Tai, incredibly pale and thin, with a drip attached to his arm and a heart monitor beeping beside him. He turned his head slightly as Matt slowly walked into the room, and smiled._

"I wondered when you'd turn up again," he said, his voice weak. "Nothing for two weeks?"

"I...I didn't expect..." Matt stumbled over his words; didn't know what excuse to give for his absence.

_Admit it, you were scared. He probably knows that._

_ _

"Me to go downhill so fast?" Tai shrugged. "I knew it would happen, and so did you. That's why you stayed away." He stopped, coughing slightly. "You knew I was gonna be facing the music soon, and you got scared," he continued when he recovered his rattling voice. "I understand that."

"I..." Matt started, but the denial trailed away. "Yes...I got scared...but I didn't expect it to be so _fast..."_

"I did something for you," Tai said, trying to sit up. Matt pushed him back down, but Tai scowled at him and continued trying to sit up. He succeeded in sitting up halfway, and indicated to underneath the bed. Matt reached under it and pulled out a clipboard with a few sheets of blank paper attached to it.

"Tai...?"

"Turn the pages."

Mat did so, his eyes falling onto a picture on the last page. His eyes widened in shock, a hand flying to his mouth without even realizing.

A picture of himself, sitting casually on a cloud, adorned the page. More noticeably, though, was the halo around his golden hair, and wings that took up most of the page. Amazingly detail had been put onto them, making them stand out above the rest of the page. Each individual feather was uniquely carved into the shape of the wings.

"Did you...?" Matt stammered, unable to speak past his shock of the beautifully drawn picture.

"Yes. I completed it yesterday. I couldn't do much for long, and I had a little bit of help from Kari, but I remembered what you said. You wanted wings, I gave you wings."

Matt stared at him, speechless. He hadn't been expecting _that._

"I...I go away for two weeks, and you draw me this _beautiful picture...?!" He said incredulously. "Tai, I haven't set foot in this room for-."_

"Two weeks, I know, so you keep sayin'! I know why, and don't worry about it. Just...I haven't got long left, Matt..."

"I figured..." The blonde indicated to the drip and to the heart rate monitor disdainfully. "Just...how long is 'not long'...?"

Tai shrugged casually. "As long as a piece of string. I personally think..." He stopped and pointed to a desktop calendar at the side of his bed, amongst cards and flowers and the like. "I removed all the days from it that I don't think I'll be around to see."

Matt picked the calendar up and narrowed his eyes, shaking his head slowly in disbelief.

"Tai...there's only today's date on here..."

"I know." Tai shrugged again. "I told you, I don't think I have long. I could be wrong...but I don't think so."

"You're confusing me."

"Good. Then you won't get upset at me."

Matt returned the calendar to it's rightful place on the white bedside desk, still shaking his head in disbelief. His gaze returned to the black and white picture of himself that he had lain down on the bed, and he picked it up and put it into his backpack.

"Oh!" He said, feeling his hand touch something. He pulled it out and handed it to Tai. "It's from TK. He wanted to come and see you himself, but he's got exams coming up..."

"So have we," Tai pointed out before shrugging. "Eh, well. Dying's one way to get out of revision."

Matt stared at him. "You've changed," he stated.

"I've _accepted," Tai corrected. "I know what's gonna happen, so what's the point in making it more painful by getting upset about it? You told me to enjoy what I've got left, and I __am."_

He turned his attention to the envelope Matt had handed him, trying to open it with what little strength he had. Matt didn't offer to help; Tai was stubborn, and would refuse it anyway.

The brunette eventually got into the gold envelope, and pulled a card from it. It was a pretty casual 'Sorry to hear you're sick' card- without any 'hope you get well soon' messages, Tai noticed- but when he opened it, something fell into his lap. He picked it up and smiled.

"A photo of Agumon," he said simply. "TK must have told him."

He opened the card and read the message inside, smiling still.

_/Tai, Kari and I told Agumon. He insisted we sent you a picture of him, and he sends his love. I'd say 'hope you get better soon' but I know you won't, so I'm just going to...hope, full stop. Love TK./_

"That kid brother of yours has a heart too big for his body," Tai stated, propping the card up with the others and setting the photo down on the side with it.

"Have the others come...?"

Tai nodded. "Izzy was telling me something when he was here that seemed pretty interesting. He was saying that, in the Digital World, when a Digimon dies it gets re-configured and born in Primary Village. He was wondering if the same would happen to a human. I think he's getting dumber, 'coz I had to point out to him that only what's created by the Digital World can be re-configured there."

"He's only trying to find a way to help you. Or rather, how to bring you back." Matt lowered his gaze back to the carpet tiles he was so accustomed to staring at. He found tears filling his eyes, and he squeezed them shut crossly.

"Don't get upset," Tai said, reaching out and touching Matt's arm gently.

"I'm trying _not to," Matt stated. "I'll be fine." __Until I get out of this hospital room._

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door opening, admitting Tai's parents and Kari into the room. Matt stood up, seeing that as his cue to leave.

"Wait!" Tai said, grabbing Matt's arm. Matt sat back down, confusion crossing his features. "I..." He stammered for a moment before indicating his calendar. Matt stared at it, what Tai was trying to say finally registering in his mind.

_When I walk out this room, I may never see him again...or rather, see him *alive* again..._

_ _

"Oh God..." he uttered softly without realizing. He sat in shock, unable to move or speak.

"The others already said goodbye," Tai told him, that casual tone still in his voice. "If there's anything you wanna say, you'd better say it."

"I...I've said everything..." Matt stammered, unable to communicate past his shock. "I think I've said everything..." He closed his eyes, breathing labored. "I-I don't want to say 'goodbye', Tai. It's too final, too clear cut. And it's going to hurt like _hell. I won't do it."_

He stood up, eyes closed against the tears threatening to spill from them, hands clenched in determination. As he turned, he gazed into the eyes of Mr. Kamiya.

"Are you sure?" He said softly. "When you go...we know he may not have long left..."

Matt simply stared at him a moment before collapsing back onto the bed and into the expectant arms of his friend, who was grinning.

"It's not _fair!" Matt cried, sobbing openly into Tai's shoulder. "It's so __stupid!"_

"I know," Tai said, the grin leaving his face as he held his friend. "I know."

Anything Matt said after that rendered incoherent, but those in the room got the basic gist of it. The occasional word made sense, and they based their conclusions on that.

Matt hated the idea, would miss his friend, and _still refused to say the word 'goodbye'._

After a while, Matt pulled from his friend's grasp, having calmed down a bit. Tai regained that ever-present grin.

"You know, every single person did that to me. Not for as long, or quite so incoherently, but it was there. I feel so loved."

"Good," Matt said, sniffling a little from his sobbing fit. He coughed a couple of times and dried tears from his cheeks. "Because you _are and always __will be."_

He lifted his backpack from the floor, slinging it over his shoulder, casting an eye at the heart monitor machine as it began to beep a little strangely. Steeling himself, he forced a grin to his face. Tai was still grinning; smaller than before, but he still was.

"Have you been happy, Tai...?" Matt asked as the machine continued to make strange sounds. Mrs. Kamiya pushed the nurse alert button above Tai's bed.

Tai's grin widened for just a second.

"Yeah," he said weakly. "I've been happy. I still am."

"And…do you forgive me...?"

Tai looked confused. "For what?"

Matt shrugged. "Everything."

Tai laughed softy. "Sure, if you say so." He made a slight flicking motion with his head, in the direction of the door. "Go on. Get out of here."

Matt walked over to the door, turning back just for a moment. Tai was still looking at him.

"See you around," the brunette said simply.

"Yeah," Matt answered, moving out the way as a nurse entered the room hurriedly. "See you around, buddy."

With that, he turned and left, closing the door shut behind him. Taking a deep breath, he walked away from the room he knew he wouldn't be setting foot back into again. He could hear the sounds of more nurses rushing into the room, yet he ignored it, carrying on his way.

_It's not over. It'll never be over._

_ _

Yet, somewhere in the back of his mind, he could hear the panic button coming from Tai's room being pressed rapidly. He turned the corner of the corridor, coming to the exit. He half-ran from it, not wanting to hear or see anymore. He wouldn't- couldn't- allow himself to.

_I wonder when the initial pain will hit? When I get formally told? The funeral?_

_ _

He made the thoughts go away, or rather tried, gazing up into the sky. It was beginning to cloud over, just like on the day Tai had told him about his condition five years ago. He knew the inevitable misty rain would soon accompany the weather, and yet he smiled.

Tai had been happy. He had said so.

_So I'm happy._

He gazed upwards, spotting just one white, fluffy cloud amongst the rest of the gray. It reminded him of the cloud in the picture in his backpack.

_I may not have wings, but I think I know someone who might right now...and who knows...? Maybe if I look hard enough, I'll see him._

_ _

He turned his gaze downward as the first few drops of rain splashed into his eyes and onto his face, and he began to walk across the car park, pulling his phone from his pocket to call his father.

_After all, I can't walk home in the rain anymore. It's just no fun without Tai with me, stamping in all the puddles and getting me wet._

_ _

"Hey Dad. Can you come and pick me up from the hospital?"

"Matt? You sound...happy...?"

His father sounded surprised. Matt didn't blame him.

"Yeah. Tai was happy. He's happier now, Dad."

"Do you-."

"He's happy," Matt interrupted. "Can I have a lift?"

"Sure..." Mr. Ishida said softly. "I'm on my way."

Matt disconnected the call, his gaze turned back to the hospital. And yet, he still smiled, gazing up as more droplets fell onto him.

"Geez Tai," he muttered. "Just 'coz you died doesn't mean you have to make it rain all over us."

Without warning, the cloud's broke in a small patch, light shining through onto the wet concrete, making it shimmer and shine. Matt had to grin at that.

"That's more like it. Who knows, maybe you can make it stop completely?"

The gap closed up, and the rain began to fall heavier. Matt grinned again.

"All right, all right, I get the picture."

The weather didn't respond. Matt sighed heavily. Deep down, he knew what had just happened was a co-incidence.

But, then again, it was always nice to dream.

_Author's Notes: Last time, I said I didn't want another '27 pages of unplanned stuff.' Well, my muse opted for '*34* pages of unplanned stuff.' It never learns ._

_ _

_This series isn't quite complete yet. I've got an epilogue to do, I think. But, this bit was so painful to write, I may not do it yet. My God, I've never cried whilst writing something of my own before!_

_ _

_Written under the influence of many songs: Art Garfunkel– Bright Eyes, Tori Amos– Precious Things, Tori Amos– Bells For Her (live version), Michael Nymen– The Heart Asks Pleasure First, Linkin Park- Crawling, and a piece ProcurerFaith sent me named To The Shock Of Miss Louise. Strange combination!_

_ _

_Feedback on this, and the series in general, would be appreciated to [Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com][1] or, reviews below at ff.net. Thanks muchly ^_^_

_ _

_And, again, apologies if anybody cried ._

   [1]: mailto:Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com



	5. Epilogue

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

_ _

**_Warning!! Very dark. Caution needed, please._******

Epilogue

by Nanaki Lioness

Well, it's been three weeks...21 days...252 hours...15,120 minutes...

That's right, Ishida, just keep sitting here working out the seconds whilst you try not to look up at that vicar. Yeah, the one standing up there reading from the Bible some passages I really couldn't give a damn about right now. The guy who's standing next to a coffin that contains the body of your best friend. _That vicar._

God, this _hurts..._

He said he was happy. He told me himself. So I really shouldn't be sad because he was happy. That doesn't make sense. How stupid of me. But I can't help it...it's like someone taking a small piece of my heart and just...

Well, just _taking it. No more need happen for it to hurt like this._

He looked so peaceful when I saw him earlier. Kinda like he was sleeping, though a little...emptier. His eyes, though...if you look carefully, they're not really closed. They're open, just a tiny little bit, like they _won't close fully. It's freaky. I can't look at him like that. I can't even __think about him like that._

He would _hate this. He was never very religious; he hated churches. Personally, they make me feel strange too, but because this is for him, I've done it._

...didn't want to though. Dad had to drag me from the house, along with half the furniture since I wouldn't detach myself from it. I know I acted like a little kid, but I _couldn't go through with this. Sitting in a church, surrounded by a whole bunch of people, crying and depressed, watching this __irritating vicar babble on about stuff no-one __gives a damn about..._

I'd have much rather spent the afternoon watching paint dry.

But, it was all for him. I'd do anything for him in life, so there's no reason why I shouldn't do the same in death.

Death...

Mortality has crossed my mind a fair bit over the past couple of days, and rightly so. Not only did I just loose someone important to me to the jaws of death, I received some rather alarming news.

I had a test done. Even though he died, he asked me to. So I did; I wouldn't dishonor the memory of dead man by not keeping my word. And, they called me in and looked at the floor for a while before telling me things looked 'abnormal'.

I instantly _knew what they meant, and I could have kicked myself for being so stupid. I had come into contact with the blood of a man infected with HIV. Admittedly, it wasn't as though I sliced myself open and dipped the wound in his blood, but apparently I might have well have done._

When I'd, in a fit of friendship (or heroics, as everyone else deemed it), stuck my hands down his throat to stop him choking to death on his own blood, I'd re-opened a cut on my hand with one of his teeth. You know, those sharp vampire-like ones; canines, is it?

Whatever it was, it re-opened this cut - probably a damn _paper cut - and some of his blood got into my bloodstream. And that's enough, isn't it? I never told him I had a cut, because I never even __noticed the damn, insignificant thing on my forefinger._

And, in truth, I wouldn't have told him if I _did know of it's existence anyway._

I haven't told Dad. I haven't told anyone. They're all still reeling from his death, and I don't want to knock them all for a further six yards.

His. I can't even think his name. I can't even say his name, not even 3 weeks later...not even so many seconds later...

I can't work out the seconds. My mental arithmetic isn't that good. I'd get out my mobile phone and use the calculator on it, but people might think that was disrespectful. And, hell, it probably would be. For his sake, I won't do it.

The vicar's stopped talking now. Mr. Kamiya's going up there instead. Man...he looks so so tired. I doubt he or the rest of his family have slept since it happened. I heard Kari needed sedatives to sleep from TK. He's been looking after her, like the brother she no longer has. He's a good kid. I could see those two hooking up when she's in a better state of mind.

Good for them if they do, too. Pity I doubt I'll be around to see it.

Man, I used to get so _mad when he'd say that to me. All that 'I'm not gonna be here' stuff used to drive me insane, because I never wanted to think of it as true. And now, I'm repeating the same damning words in my mind. And, in a couple of years, I'll probably be driving everyone else around me insane saying them out-loud, too._

I'm not going to think about what's happening to me right now. I'm not here to think of my death; I'm here to think of _his death._

Not that I want to, of course, but when I'm surrounded by his weeping friends and family, I really should.

I really should listen to Mr. Kamiya. He's saying some very true, very emotional things. Poor guy. I feel bad for not listening now. I've lost count of the amount of mental kicks I've had to give myself today, and that was before even _getting here._

Well, that was futile, Mr. Kamiya's stepped down now. That vicar's back, with his Bible. Great, more passages I don't care about. I _can't care about right now, even if I __had faith in things all-mighty above._

I _so wish I had those wings he drew for me. Maybe then I could sit up on the cloud he's probably on right now, laughing at us all._

Hang on, everyone's standing up...

I think this is my cue to move. Dad's hand's on my shoulder, asking me if I'm surviving okay. No, Dad, I'm not. But don't worry about me, I'm not the one in a box about to be put in the ground.

Not for another few years yet, anyway.

Dad's forcefully walking me outside, now. Some guys in suits are carrying his coffin out the door ahead of us. It's a black affair, with gold handles on the sides and gold lining round it. It's all decoration, too; the handles aren't even big enough for a hamster to crawl through.

I didn't see the lid. It was off, earlier, when Dad took me up there to see him. Now he's covered; that lid's cutting off all air to the coffin.

Not that he needs it.

Oh, god, I can't do this. I _can't make myself go out there and watch them put him into the ground, with only the flimsy walls of that stupid black box to keep him away from all the dirt and the rats and other creatures._

I can't let them do that to him. It's so _unfair, so __pointless. I half-wish he had been cremated. But, no, he never stated a preference so a box in the ground it is._

And now I'm crying. When did that happen? Dad's got an arm round me, and he's saying stuff, but I'm not listening.

Tai...

Oh, _god..._

_Tai..._

There's a hole in the ground. That's for him and his box. Him and his neighbours, the resident rats.

I'm not looking. They're putting him down there, and I'm _not looking. I'm gripping my hands round this rose I'm holding so hard the thorns I've carefully placed my fingers away from are beginning to prick at me a little. Small thorns I couldn't keep away from; thorns that are now covered in pinpricks of my tainted blood._

The lid has a gold plaque. Typical, matches with the rest of the coffin. It reads something about Tai; probably his name, his date of birth, date of death and some sentimental phrase like all headstones read, too.

Did you know someone has to be buried a year before the cemetery will let you put up a headstone? That sucks. At least, I think that's what Dad was trying to tell me a week or so ago. I don't know, my mind wasn't listening.

The vicar's talking again, with that damn Bible. Sounding sympathetic when he's not really. Just another job for him; just another crowd of weeping, saddened people for him to appease.

The rose...

Everyone else is throwing dirt down onto the box; I throw this rose. I intended to put it on the grave, but instead it's down there now. It's going to be buried with him.

I'm smiling a little now. He's going to have something to make him happy down there, so that makes me happy. The other people are still throwing dirt, and I refuse; the small handfuls are dirtying the rose, and soon it'll be covered completely, but I don't care.

It would make him happy.

Without a word, and without another tear, I'm walking away now. They continue to bury him, and my Dad calls to me, but I keep on walking. Head held high; I'm drying the tears from my cheeks, and I'm actually grinning.

And, up above me somewhere, I can feel him laughing. The thought almost brings tears to my eyes again, but this time I'm happy.

Maybe, in about ten years time, I'll get those wings he drew for me and join him up there. It won't be long. He lived another five years. I always doubted his outlook on life after he was diagnosed, but now I agree totally.

No need to date, no need to marry. But, there was something he got wrong.

There _was a need to love. There __was a need to be optimistic. After all, the sun still shines and rains still pours, no matter what. And every single moment needs to be cherished, even if you're living on the brink of shortened mortality._

I've learnt that the hard way.

_Author's Notes: Dark. Depressing. And finally complete and closed ^_^_

_Feedback to Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com or reviews would be appreciated..._


	6. Dearly Beloved

Disclaimer: The characters, items, places etc of Digimon are property of Toei Ltd. These objects are used without permission for entertainment only, not for making money. No infringement is intended.

_"When I was young, my father told me just the bad guys die  
at the time just a little white lie  
it was one of the first but it hurt me the most  
and the truth stung like tears in my eye  
that even the good guys must die  
there's no reasoning no crimes and I never knew why  
even now it still makes me cry…_

_If there's somebody up there could they throw me down a line  
just a little helping hand just a little understanding  
just some answers to the questions that surround me now.  
If there's somebody up there could they throw me down a line  
just a little guiding light to tell wrong from right  
just some answers to the questions that I'm asking you  
I keep a vigil in a wilderness of mirrors  
where nothing here is ever what it seems  
you stand so close but you never understand it  
for all that we see is not what it seems, am I blind?"_

**_Fish- Vigil (In A Wilderness of Mirrors)_**

_Read the above lyrics. Read them first- they set the tone for this very-overdue finale fic ^_^_

Dearly Beloved

By Nanaki Lioness

"Tai…"

"I know you can't hear me. But hey- that never stopped me before…!"

Matt laughed dryly, laying the single rose on the earth before him, kneeling on the damp grass without a care to his clothing.

"It's been a year. A whole _year. I felt I had to come and talk to you, ya know… Let you know what you've been missing and all that."_

"You haven't missed much, pal. Honestly. Just me trying to dodge everybody because I haven't told them yet. It's getting harder to hide it, but I have to, right? I can't have them worrying about me like I did over you all the time."

"And no, it's not your fault. I can hear you saying it."

He stood, rubbing the dirt from his knee absently.

"But, I can't stay long. The weather's not good and I know it's going to rain soon. I mustn't get caught out in it. Can't be getting sick."

He took two steps before looking back over his shoulder. His eyes scanned the headstone briefly before sighing and walking away.

_Who am I kidding? Talking to a lump of rock is hardly going to make him hear me._

. . . . . . . . . .

"Matt, where have you been, son?"

Matt shrugged, hanging up his coat and taking off his shoes before entering the house.

"I'm a grown man, Dad. It doesn't matter."

"I'm just curious, that's all. TK phoned for you whilst you were out."

The blonde picked up the handheld phone and walked across to his bedroom with it. As he entered the door, he heard his father speak.

"I haven't forgotten the day, Matt."

Matt looked at the floor.

"Then why did you ask where I was?"

His Dad shrugged. "To see if you would tell me."

There was no response- only the sound of Matt closing his bedroom door with a soft sigh. He dialed TK's number from heart and listened to it ring, knowing what the question would be.

"Takaishi residence, TK speaking."

"Hey Teek…"

"Matt! Hey! I wasn't sure if you would call…"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well… You know…"

"Look, TK," Matt said softly. "Just because it's a year today doesn't mean the world's stopped turning for me."

"It has for Kari and her parents."

"_That's understandable. Are they okay?"_

TK sighed, and Matt could see him shaking his head with it. "No. Kari's a wreck. Her parents didn't seem that much better off. They've been looking at photos all day, and Kari's Mom went out and bought loads of new photo-frames…"

"It's a difficult day for us all. There was a bouquet there today, already, though I don't know who from."

"Probably the family."

"Yeah. Probably."

They lapsed in to an awkward silence.

"TK, could you come over?"

"Huh?"

"Come over. Now?"

"Right now?"

"Yes. Right now."

"Okay… If you say so…"

The line went dead and Matt placed the phone down on his bed.

_I can't keep hiding. I can't keep pretending everything's all right, because it's not. It's not the most ideal day, but what day is?_

_I don't want to do this… Now I understand why Tai was so angry. I understand why he destroyed his apartment._

_Tai…_

_You just can't leave me alone, can you pal…?_

. . . . . . . . . .

The door was already open, TK noticed as he approached and pushed it gently. Opening it fully, he entered and looked round the apartment.

"Hey TK," Matt called from the kitchen, where he was stirring a drink. "Come in, sit down. Tea or coffee?"

"Neither…" TK said, making his way to the living room. He sat down on the sofa and looked over at his Dad, who shrugged, equally confused.

"You're cheery," TK said slowly as Matt sat next to him, putting the drink down on the coffee table.

Matt shrugged. "Am I not allowed to be happy?"

TK grinned. "Course you are, 'nichan. It's nice to see you happy."

Matt smiled back and leant back against the sofa, staring into nothingness.

"Matt?" TK said.

Matt didn't reply.

"Matt…?" TK requested his brother's attention again, louder.

"Hmm?" Matt uttered airily, turning to his brother.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing!"

The smile didn't falter once, and the elder boy continued to stare in to space.

TK turned to his Dad again, who looked concerned.

"Son, is something wrong?" He asked quietly.

"Nu uh!" Matt murmured quickly, his eyes not leaving the imaginary object he was staring at. He still smiled, though both his brother and father could see it was fake.

"I don't believe you."

Matt stopped staring at nothing to pick up his drink. Holding it close to his chest, he laughed hollowly.

"I don't know what you're talking about…!" He said incredulously. "Nothing's wrong!"

TK reached out and took the coffee cup from Matt- he was gripping it so hard it was shaking and threatening to spill it's contents.

"Talk," was his only retort.

Matt smiled at them both again, but one look from his Dad and he closed his eyes and buried his face.

"We know it's a difficult day for you," TK began softly. "But we're here, right? We're all upset about it, but-"

"No… You don't _understand…" Matt said, his voice muffled by his hands._

TK reached a hand out to his shoulder. "We _do understand, but you never let us help you, Matt…"_

"_No!"_

Matt jumped up and away from his brother, falling over the edge of the coffee table and knocking the mug that TK had put down off. It fell and spilt off the table, narrowly missing TK who moved his feet out the way.

"Sorry!" Matt sputtered, getting down on his knees and picking the cup up immediately. He grabbed a newspaper and put it over the liquid on the table that was currently seeping into the carpet.

"Don't worry about it," his Dad said softly, sensing something was drastically wrong.

"No, I have to, I-I don't want to wreck the c-carpet…" Matt half-sobbed, his façade non existent and his emotions exposed.

"It won't," his Dad assured him. "You think this carpet's never seen a spilt cup of coffee before?"

"It's great at hiding it," TK grinned.

Their words didn't seem to help- Matt was still knelt on the floor with his face covered. TK sighed and got up, kneeling down in front of Matt and prying his hands away from his face.

Anguish was what met him. Raw, cutting anguish, and tear stained cheeks. TK let go of Matt's hands, shocked, and grabbed his shoulders.

"What's the matter…?" He breathed, half of him not daring to ask.

Matt muttered something.

"Matt, I can't hear you, 'nichan. I can't hear you…"

Matt repeated what he had said, but TK still couldn't understand it. He pulled Matt's hands away again and looked him in the eye. The look in his brother's eyes was enough to bring tears to his own, but he didn't break the gaze.

"What's wrong?"

Matt made eye contact, looking lost and broken.

"I have it too…" He whispered.

TK closed his eyes.

"Tell me you _don't mean that, 'nichan. Tell me that isn't what you mean…"_

"TK, I have it. I have HIV."

TK opened his eyes again and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Does that mean you're dying, too? Like Tai did?"

Matt nodded and turned his gaze to the floor.

In the background, they heard their Dad pick up the phone and call their mother, but neither of them took notice.

"Matt, how did it happen? How did you get it, too?"

Matt lifted a hand. "When he choked that day. I had a cut, on my finger, which came in to contact with his blood. He asked me to get tested, and I honored that straight away…"

"You've known all this time…?!"

Matt nodded.

TK looked hurt. "And you didn't _tell us?"_

"I… I didn't want to worry you…"

TK reached out and hugged Matt tightly. "Of course we're going to worry about you. We love you, 'nichan. We love you very, very much…"

"Cry and I'll smack you, TK," Matt snapped sensing the silence between them correctly. "I don't want you to be sad."

"Bad luck," TK said, letting go and sitting back against the sofa.

"Matt, this isn't a secret you should have kept all this time," their father said, walking to them and standing over them.

"I know…" Matt said, looking at the floor.

"It was a very dangerous thing to do. But, still, now we know we can prepare ourselves and help you."

Matt nodded.

"It's being treated at the moment, with pills," he said softly. "It may never develop, they say, but there's always the chance it might."

"Have you told anybody?"

Matt shook his head.

"No. You're the first, other than Tai. But… Technically, he doesn't count…"

He picked himself up from the floor and sat back on the sofa, glancing down at the soggy newspaper and wet carpet.

"Sorry about that…" he said.

"Don't be sorry. It can be sorted."

"Hmm…"

TK stood up and sat on the sofa next to Matt again, his composure better.

"So, you may not die?" He asked hopefully.

"Well, I will eventually," Matt said, smiling a little. "But, maybe not as soon as you think."

"Good," TK said, getting closer to his brother and curling himself round him softly. "I don't want you to leave me."

"I won't leave you by choice, TK," Matt said, returning the physical favor.

_Not now, not ever. I'll be here for you as long as I possibly can be. I promise._

. . . . . . . . . .

Night crept upon the land in a sheet of cold, icy frost. Matt wrapped his coat tighter around thin frame and pushed open the metal gates. They creaked softly, and Matt shivered.

_Graveyards are kinda freaky at night…_

He knew exactly where to go, and how to get there. Clutching a white envelope in his hand he walked the route to his friend's grave silently.

Upon reaching it, he knelt down in respect and placed the letter on top of the white rose.

"I know you can't read it," he whispered, his breath clouding the breeze. "But I just feel better knowing I've given it to you the only way I can."

He stayed kneeling for a moment more before making his way back again, before the cold could creep through his skin any more. He passed the graveyard attendant as he left, and offered him a smile.

"Cold night," the attendant said politely.

Matt nodded. "Not the kind of night to be working here, eh?"

"Not the kind of night to be visiting either, son," the man answered. "You should be home in bed."

"That's where I'm going, thanks," Matt smiled before departing, leaving the man to his job.

It wasn't until an hour later that the attendant discovered it. He had been doing his routine job of clearing dead blossoms from graves when he noticed the white letter nestled with the white rose.

Emblazoned on the front was the name 'Taichi'.

The man picked it up, and read the name on the headstone. It matched.

Intrigued, he turned the letter over. Nothing was written on the back. He shook it, but nothing moved inside but paper.

"Strange…" he muttered. He placed it back down with the rose, feeling as though he was invading the privacy of the person who wrote it. He tucked it underneath the rose tighter, so whoever would eventually read it would find it where it had been found.

He continued along to the next grave, glancing back at the letter. Shaking his head, he put it out of his mind and continued with his job.

_None of my business._

. . . . . . . . . .

"Daddy…"

"Not now, sweetheart."

The little blonde girl tugged on her father's suit tails a little harder.

"Daddy!"

The man sighed, turning his attention from the headstone he was looking at and glanced down at his daughter.

"What is it, Rei?"

Rei thrust something forward to him- a small, white letter.

"Where did you get this?" Her father demanded to know.

"Over there!"

Rei pointed in the direction of one of the graves.

"You shouldn't take things from other people's graves, Rei. What would mommy say if she knew you'd be taking things that don't belong to you?"

"She wouldn't be very happy…" Rei said, lowering his head.

"Mommy can't be here to tell you how disappointed she would be," the man said, with a glance to the headstone he'd been looking at, "but I am. Go and put it back."

"But, I can't read it. It's too complicated…"

The man turned the envelope over to find it had been opened.

"You shouldn't be trying to read it, Rei. It's nothing to do with you."

He walked over to the grave his daughter had pointed to. The name on the envelope matched the name on the headstone, he noticed.

"Rei, I think this is a very personal letter."

"But Daddy… The person who wrote it seemed really sad. I could see some words, but there are lots of long, big ones…"

"It's got a name on it, too… Ya-ma-to. He seemed really sad. Do you think it's to his mommy? Do you think his mommy died, too?"

"Rei…"

"Daddy can we go and find Ya-ma-to? Can we go and see if he's really sad because his mommy died like my mommy?"

"Does Yamato have a last name, Rei?" Her father said quietly.

Rei nodded. "I couldn't read it…"

The man took Rei by the hand and led her away from the graveyard, still clutching the letter. Once he was back at his car, he pulled the letter out of the envelope. He skipped straight to the signature, not wanting to read any of it.

"Ishida Yamato," he said softly, putting the letter back in the envelope and putting it on his dashboard.

. . . . . . . . . .

"Matt!!"

Matt looked up from his guitar score sheet upon hearing TK's voice.

"Somebody's at the door for you!"

Matt sighed and put his guitar down. Opening the door, he saw TK admit a man and a young girl to the house. Puzzled, he went to greet them.

"Ishida Yamato?" The man asked.

"Yes…"

The man held out a hand to him.

"I am Seishu Kyuu. This is my daughter Rei."

"Hi!" Rei said, waving and grinning at Yamato. She pushed the white letter in to his hands.

"She found this at the graveyard," Kyuu said quietly.

"I wanted to see if you were sad because your mommy died," Rei explained.

Matt took the letter, fingering the edge where it had been opened.

"She was worried," Kyuu explained. "I told her she shouldn't touch things that aren't hers, but the deed was already done…"

"It's all right," Matt interrupted, smiling a little.

"Did your mommy die like my mommy did?" Rei asked.

TK looked his Dad, who beckoned to Matt's bedroom. They both entered it and closed the door, leaving Matt to sort out his letter in privacy.

Matt knelt down on the floor and shook his head. "No, Rei. My mommy didn't die, my best friend did."

"What happened to him?"

"Rei!" Kyuu hissed. He looked at Matt apologetically. "I'm so sorry…"

"No, really. Come on in, sit down. It's all right."

Rei ran ahead and jumped on the sofa, Kyuu trailing her and looking evermore sorry on Matt's behalf.

Matt sat next to Rei, turning sideway in the chair and bringing his legs up so he could face her.

"Did you read my friend's name?" He asked Rei.

Rei shook her head.

"His name was Taichi."

"Tai-chi…" Rei repeated.

"What did you read?"

Rei thought it over for a moment. "I know you were really sad. I couldn't read lots of the big words."

"Would you like me to read it to you?"

"You don't have to do that," Kyuu said immediately, but Matt shook his head.

"It's fine," he repeated.

"Would you like me to read it to you, Rei?"

Rei nodded enthusiastically.

Matt smiled and pulled it out of the envelope, smiling at Rei one last time before beginning to read it.

_Taichi,_

_I know you'll never get the chance to read this, but I have to do it anyway. I have to do this to make myself feel better._

_Today was your funeral. It was really, really hard, Tai. I know you were up there, laughing at us all. At least, I hope you were. Not very often you'll see us dressed in suits, I can tell you! And what's with having a party afterwards? That doesn't seem right! I didn't enjoy it. I don't think anyone did._

_So, it's the evening now, and while I'm supposed to have officially said good bye to you, I don't feel like I have. I feel like you're still here, and like you're going to phone me up or turn up on my doorstep any minute now._

_I don't like it. It keeps making me cry, and we both know how much I hate crying. When I do see you again, I'll make you pay for all my sleepless nights, hear me?_

_And, isn't that typical- I'm crying again. Tai, you are SO going to pay._

_I have it too, you know. Don't feel guilty. After seeing you struggle, I've found it easier to accept. Like it was inevitable or something, I dunno._

_But, anyway.__ I don't remember what I was supposed to be writing anymore. I don't think it matters, but I feel like I'm talking to you. I know it's not the same. Nothing can be the same now._

_Just…__ What I know I wanted to say was that I miss you, and I love you. I love you more now you're gone, because I don't have you to make me angry at you when you do stupid things. There was always a balance between love and hate, but without the hate, it's just love._

_If I don't stop writing this now, I think I'm going to cry my eyes dry._

_See you around, your best friend,_

_Ishida Yamato_

Matt sighed and folded the letter up, placing it back in the envelope again.

"So you _were really sad," Rei said._

Matt nodded. "Yes, I was. I wrote that this time last year. It's easier now than it was then."

"Do you want me to take the letter back?" Rei asked.

Matt smiled and shook his head. "No, it's all right. I'll keep it."

"Thank you for reading it to me, Ya-ma-to," she said, standing and bowing respectfully.

"I think we've taken up enough of this man's time," Kyuu said softly, holding out his hand to Matt again. "It's been a pleasure to meet you, and I apologize again on behalf of my daughter."

"No, really, it's all right," Matt reassured.

"I'm also truly sorry for your loss," Kyuu continued, lowering his gaze to the floor.

"And I am for yours," Matt said softly. He looked down at Rei, who was grinning widely at him.

"You take care, Rei," he told her.

Rei waved and Kyuu smiled down at her before walking to the door with Matt.

"Thank you," Kyuu said again.

Matt shook his head.

"No," he whispered as they passed through the door. "Thank _you."_

_Author's Notes: *waves frantically* I'm here, I'm alive! I know it's taken me forever to finally finish this off, but it's here and it's done. Woo! Now, all the kind people who have requested it, I hope you enjoy it. And everyone else- I hope you like it, too ^_^_

_Reviews?__ Feedback? Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com or reviews below appreciated!_


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